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Northern Express
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
A Weird Night

P 5 W 1 D 2 L 2 = 5 points  Game week 1

1-1,  3-0, 1-2, 3-0, 1-1  

Confused by the amount of games and points? Read on……


Last night was a very weird night.

It started off with nobody knowing which set of pitches we were meant to be playing on. The Elite had turned up in numbers around 6.30pm to be met with empty car parks at both schools. Grifter then called up Davey the organizer who said we were playing at the top set of pitches. We all hot footed it down to the top car park to be told by the copper that we were not entering the premises without a pass. We sat and waited with more and more of the other teams arriving. Still no sign of Davey.  Eventually one other team member called him up to be told we were at the wrong school and needed to go down to the pitches we were on during April. Everyone jumped into cars and like something out of the movie classic Convoy, we headed down to the other school. The copper there had obviously been called by his mate at the other gate and he had the same stance, no pass, no entry. More and more people were showing up and starting to play with a football outside the gate. At this point, it was noted by Beavis, that Grifter looked as if he had Wurzel Gummidge changeable feet. His lower legs were quite tanned all the way down to his ankles where there was a distinct line then white feet. Grifter pointed out that this was due to the amount of golf he was playing right now and that maybe he should start playing in his flip flops, not only to even up the tan for his future roles in porn films, but it might also give Y Cardy a chance at beating him in the next golf match they play together. Beavis had a better idea though, He would just lend Grifter some of his own fake tan, so that he could cover up the white feet and everybody would be happy. Well the idea certainly made a few of the Elite happy.

Finally Davey showed up had a quick discussion with the cop and funnily enough, we were all granted entry without one pass between anyone.

As per last week, there was a poor turn-out watching from the sidelines. Obviously our recent dip in form during April is affecting even the hardiest of supporters and it was obvious to see from the poor attendance that we need to win the fans back and fast.

Davey then announced that there were only 6 teams had bothered to show up from divisions 5 and 6. There should have been 10. He had decided that we would all play 5 matches by playing all the teams that had come. Only the games played against teams from the same division would count for points in the league standings and all teams that showed up would start off on four points. Confused? Aye well you will know how we all felt to start with, but we knew which teams were in our division, so we knew which ones would count.

First game of the night was against a fellow Division 5 team, HSBC. They were a right bunch of bankers. We lined up for the kick off the ball was won by No.9 who played it square to Big G. He took the ball for a little run, shot and scored. It probably took you longer to read that sentence than it did for it to actually happen. Probably the quickest goal we have ever scored. The Elite took great confidence from the early goal and were playing well for the majority of the match. We then had a slight slip and gave the bankers too much time on the ball. They came forward and as always seems to happen to us, their one shot on goal resulted in them scoring.

Game ended 1-1 and we had the first earned point of the night.

Second game was against DX from division 6 and gave us a chance to have a bit of shooting and saving practice. This game was not counting for any points, so it was good to play with a grin and not worry too much regarding the result. Goals from Tinman, Beavis and a superb lob from No.9  ensured the Elite won comfortably with a 3-0 scoreline actually flattering DX.

Next game up was again against a division 6 team, Mace. Apparently they had been up morning noon and night, so again, it was a chance for us to go out and enjoy the game. We actually lost the game 2-1, there first goal coming from a great strike. Beavis scored the only goal for the Elite with a great turn and finish. Not to worry, again, the game didn’t really count, so no point getting upset about losing a meaningless game.

Fourth game of the night and it was against fellow Division 5 team, Real Bad. The things that were real bad about this game were the ref, our defending and the final scoreline. We lost 3-0 but their first “goal” didn’t even go in. A shot was fired in that Sye was helpless to stop, it hit the under side of the bar, and bounced about 3 feet away from the goal line in the box. The Elite broke forward from the rebound and Tinners then slotted the ball home. The ref eventually pulled the game back to tell us we had actually conceded a goal! Absolutely unf*cking believable. There was no way it was a goal and it was an incredible decision to go against us. The heads went down and we ended up losing another two goals. The game ended 3-0 to Real Bad and didn’t exactly give us the boost we wanted against one of our division 5 rivals.

Last game of the night was against fcek of Division 6. The final score was 1-1 with the only real point to note that fcek should have turned up wearing speedos, not shorts. One guy in particular did such a spectacular dive, that his closed pike followed by two and a half full somersaults was greeted by ecstatic applause and high scores from the Elite bench. This earned Chesney a two minute sin bin entry and ultimately put him out of the game for the remaining time left. The guy’s second dive of the night was not so spectacular and ended in a belly flop that this time didn’t even impress the ref.

All in all a successful night in gaining 5 points. Satisfactory haul and puts us in a good position going into week 2. Team spirit was evident in a lot of the games and it was a generally good all round performance by all concerned.

Kudos to Hancock, Grifter, Beavis, Tinman, Big G, Lee, Sye and Chesney for the effort yet again.

Support from the touchlines came from Mad Vlad, Dillon, Satch and Wullie (taking in his hopefully first of many Elite games). Cheers Lads

Looking forward to another rake of points next week to push us up a league.



Posted by dubainefc at 3:08 PM
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
Bring on May!

P 4 W 2 D 1 L 1 = 5 points  Game week 2, Total of 6 points


1-1,  1-0, 2-1, 1-2  

Much more like the Elite of Old, but probably not enough to keep us in Div.4 Unfortunately.


Right lads, for those of you that didn’t make it along last night, you missed one of the best nights in a long while. The guys battled for everything, tracked back for everything, hustled during all 4 games, and did it all with a smile. It was great to witness.

Recent results obviously affected the crowd on the sidelines ready to cheer on the boys in red. A disappointing turn out of one (not directly connected with the NE) witnessed some of the best football played by the boys in weeks.

A little bit of a scare at the start for the fairmer when the handing out of the strips had to be delayed by 7 minutes due to the late arrival of Chopstix and Y Cardy. Slapped wrists was the punishment handed out to both players even though Y Cardy claimed it wisna his fault and was the fault of the Dwarf driving. Apparently he had trouble reaching the throttle peddle.

Last weeks’ games showed that even though we were in Div 4, there were no easy games. Changes were made again to the squad, with Sye, Tinman, Chesney and Big G all coming into the 8.

The first game was against Norfolk & Chance who had beaten us heavily last week. This week rather than going all out for the wins, we played it a lot tighter, by playing two at the back with one of the defenders making forward runs whenever they could to support the midfield. This was working well as the Elite was keeping possession and frustrating the opposition. The only thing that didn’t seem to be working was the lead inserts that Chopper had obviously had inserted into the toes of his boots. The ball was apparently too light…….Anyway, we then had a moment where we switched off and allowed N&C their one shot on goal. Unfortunately it slid under Sye in goals and we were 1-0 down. The heads stayed up and we were rewarded with a great goal courtesy of some fantastic passing from the back that culminated in Chopstix slotting the ball home. Young Andrew on the sidelines was going mental after witnessing the Elite double their “goals scored” tally for Division 4 in only the first game of the week. The Elite kept pressing, but unfortunately didn’t get the winning goal their play deserved. The lads came off a little disappointed, but our tails were up.

Full time 1-1

Next game was against the Locker Room. They don’t seem the same team without Thumper at the back, but the wounds were still healing from last week where we had been thrashed 5-1 by the same team. The Elite got straight into them from the off and the two at the back was working well. We weren’t committing so many bodies forward and it ensured we weren’t leaving the defence and goalkeeper facing two marauding forwards every time we lost possession in the other half of the pitch. The game was very even with the Elite having a few chances breaking forward coming to nothing. Then came Big G. He picked the ball up in the middle of the pitch and with the Locker room standing off him, he unleashed a shot that sailed past the keeper and into the net. The crowd on the side went into raptures as the players tracked back for the re-start. The rest of the game was all about keeping things tight at the back for the Elite and the players did that superbly.

Full time 1-0 and the first win of the night for the Elite.

Our rest game was once we had played all 4, so it was straight into the third game against Jossie’s Giants. We battered them last week and still managed to get beat 1-0 which was very hard to take, so we had a point to prove. Again, we started well passing the ball about confidently when Tinman burst forward from defence. Y Cardy was screaming for the ball on the right side, but Tinners ignored him completely and unleashed a superb shot into the net from all of 10 yards out. Y Cardy still seemed to be having a go during the celebrations, but this was Tinners moment and he wasn’t caring. The game then got very scrappy with a few dodgy incidents particularly involving Chopper and their centre forward. Chopper definitely was having the measure of the forward and he was getting more and more agitated. The ball then broke on the left touchline and using all of his experience, Chopper invited the forward into one last rash challenge where he aimed a kick at the Elite player. It was right in front of the ref, and he was sin binned for two minutes. He took a while to go off as he was arguing and shouting obscenities to the ref and the Elite touchline. He then came back on the pitch but was promptly sent back to the sidelines by the alert ref as the game was offering to boil over. The Elite were using their one man advantage well and started pushing for a second goal that would put the game beyond the reach of J’sG. While the Elite were pushing forward, we again committed too many men forward and were caught short at the back. J’sG went through and equalized the scoring when still down to 4 men. This was a blow, but it only got the Elite more determined. The 5th man was waived to come on again and both teams were back at 5 each. The Elite kept pressing forward and were rewarded again after some slick passing through the pitch ended with a sweet finish by Y Cardy. The J’sG were not finished being dirty bassas though, and this was proved as a second player was sent off for the remainder of the game for another rash challenge followed by another volley of insults at the ref. The game went on without further incident and the Elite recorded their second win of the night.  

Full time 2-1

Straight into the last game against the young lads of The Gent’s Club. As discussed last week, this was a bit like Gary Glitter and his gang, but they have some pretty decent young players amongst them who are lightening quick as we were about to discover to our cost. They started brightly as the heroes in red were showing some tired legs. We kept our shape pretty well more to do with people having run their hearts out in the previous 3 games rather than listening to anything I had said and we weren’t making so many forward runs. We were also trying to frustrate the GG’sG but they were making some good runs through the Elite defence. The inevitable then happened and we went 1-0 down. Again the team spirit shown was fantastic, and the Elite pushed on for an equalizer. The pressure paid off and Y Cardy grabbed a second goal of the night when he slotted home to level the scores. The lads were tiring and GG’sG were making more and more runs into the Elite box. A shot then went in from the right edge of the box that went straight through the legs of Sye in goals to put us a goal down for the second time in the game. The Elite still pushed forward in search of a second equalizer, and with the last attack of the game, Shando sent a superb ball across the box only for Chopstix to be a fanny hair away from connecting and sending it into the empty net. The ref then blew for full time and the Elite had suffered their first and only defeat of the night.

Full Time 1-2

Last night was chalk and cheese compared to the last few weeks. The crack was great (discussing Grifter’s future in porn as well as Y Cardy running about in the skud yet again while changing) but more importantly, the team spirit was back. As I said at the start, the lads fought hard for one another in every game and that was brilliant to see. Keep it up please.

Kudos to Chopper, Yeatser, Shando, Chopstix, Sye, Tinman, Big G and Chesney for the effort yet again. Superb lads.

Good support again from the touchlines from Grifter, Lee and Andrew, thanks very much.



The Fairmer 

Posted by dubainefc at 12:01 AM
Thursday, 23 April 2009
April is just not our month

P 4 W 0 D 1 L 3 = 1 point  Game week 1

0-1,  0-0, 1-4, 1-5  



Well then lads, as per usual the effort from all the lads that showed up last night was exemplary. This can never ever be questioned. Last night was a night of two halves, where we were unlucky not to have won the first two games, but were nowhere near it in the second two.

As per last week, there was a very good turn out on the sidelines ready to cheer on the boys in the famous red shirts. We were close to at least matching our biggest crowd of the season (last week) with 8 lads supporting on the touchline.  There was a bit of a competition going on with No.9 and the Jnr. Fairmer who turned 12 in December. Apaprently Jnr. reckoned he had more hair on his chin than No.9 even though No.9 had now went 15 weeks without shaving. I didn’t want to take sides as it was too close to call. 

First time in Division 4 for the Fairmer, so unknown territory for me. I did hope that things would be slightly easier than last week though, as we were up against some tidy teams last week in Div.3. One major change for the Elite was to hand Grifter the keepers jersey after a stunning 3 minute performance last week where he kept a clean sheet.

In our first game we were up against Jossie’s Giants who had just been promoted from Division 5. The Elite started with a very strong team and were well in control of the game at the early stages. Y Cardy looked on fire as he was spraying balls all over the pitch as well as peppering the JG’s goal. We were really showing the newly promoted lads how to play and I felt that we really had to make all our possession count. We continued to pound the JG goal with nothing going in for us. 7 of the 8 minutes gone and we had pretty much everyone other than Grifter having shots at their goal. The seconds ticked away and with three players caught in the JG half, the ball came over the top and was met by one of their players, he took a touch then calmly slotted it past Grifter in the goal. This was very hard to take due to the amount of pressure we had on their goal. Hit by the classic sucker punch.

Full time 0-1

We seemed disappointed but definitely not down as it was such an injustice that we were beaten the lads seemed even more fired up for the second game. This was against The Gent’s Club. No idea where the name came from as it looked like a certain shamed 70’s pop star and a group of his mates. The keeper was about 20 stone and around mid to late 40’s. The rest of the team looked on average………………..12. This was going to be a difficult game as we had seen them in previous weeks and they had some tidy 12 year olds playing for them, but they were kids. The game was a little more even with their youthful exuberance showing, they were making some very clever runs through the Elite defence. Luckily for the Elite, Grifter was playing very well in goals again and was making some vital stops to keep them from scoring. The Elite were pressing hard and ref Davie seemed a little more than lenient towards the youngsters. They appeared to get a lot of decisions that might not have been given had it been men that were playing. The game neared the end with neither side managing to break the deadlock. In the dying seconds, Shando was sent through and as he fired towards the goal, the ball came off the post and went out for a goal kick. There wasn’t even enough time to take the resultant goal kick as the ref blew his whistle for full time.

Full time 0-0 and the first point on the board for the Elite.

No rest for the wicked as they say, and onwards to the 3rd game against Norfolk & Chance (say it slowly). We started well but were soon 1 down when we left Jeffo cruelly exposed at the back on his own to cover two players. They played a one two and we were already chasing the game. Straight from the restart though, we stormed up the park and Y cardy slotted the ball home for our first goal of the night. Almost as fast as we had equalized, we found ourselves again behind. Same again leaving one player back, losing possession in the oppositions half and we are left with a one on two situation at the back. N&C took full advantage. Yet again, we let our hearts rule our heads and all headed forward for an equalizer chasing the game. N&C were now managing to pick the Elite off at will by lobbing the ball over the half way line and leaving a one on two situation nearly every time. It was catch 22. We chased after the game, we lost another goal. The third goal from N&C though needs a special mention. We managed to track back this time well and pushed their player wide left. He was nearly at the corner flag, when he chipped the ball across and actually lobbed Grifter in goal. It was a goal that had even the staunchest Elite fan applauding from the sidelines. N&C then got another goal to compound our misery.

Full time 1-4

We had a break in the games at this point, and had a team talk to discuss the failings of the previous game. Jeffo was rightly calling the shots. We were all chasing the ball and leaving one guy back every time. Every team we played could see this, and as soon as we lost possession, the ball came over the half way line, we had one player left and ultimately lost a goal. We were being punished pretty much every time it happened. The key was to not all rush forward at once and when we did get the ball hold onto it to allow the rest of the team to move forward. Everyone nodded in agreement with Jeffo’s wise words and it seemed fully understood by all.  

Spirits were high though, and this was shown when chopstix was running around throwing some of Y Cardy’s arse hair into the air. Y Cardy had fashioned a new style of shorts that unfortunately for the rest of us, showed most of his rear end. A comment was made regarding the fact that he had more hair on his arse than he had on his head and chopstix decided he would remove some. I think he wanted to try and transplant it to Y Cardy’s head. Whatever the reason, there was arse hair flying about everywhere and it wasn’t a pretty sight.

We took to the pitch for our last game of the night against our old adversaries, the Locker Room. Thumper was conspicuous with his absence from the Locker room team although they had managed to pick up one of the FA coaches that train the Jnr. Fairmer. This was a must win game for us and we started with as strong a team as we could. Y Cardy was still sporting the smallest pair of shorts in the world that almost hid something that roughly resembled a penis, only much much smaller (so I was told anyway, it was too disgusting to look myself). Flashes were going off all through the crowd with cameras being used non-stop. No doubt Facebook is about to be removed from the world wide web this morning for posting indecent pictures.

Anyway, the game was crap. Everything that Jeffo had said prior to the game was ignored and we were caught time and time again. One note on the substitution rule as we had yet another mix up in this game very similar to last week. A change can only be made once the ball goes out of play. At that point, a change can be made. A player cannot go on the field until the ball goes out ,therefore the player going off, should stay on until that point. We were never at the races in this game at all. Shando pulled a late consolation goal back for the Elite later on but we were never going to get anything back after going behind so heavily early on.

Full Time 1-5

Another disappointing evening but no point feeling sorry for ourselves.  

The crack was there, but the team spirit didn’t appear to be.

Kudos to Jeffo, Grifter, Beavis, Chopper, Yeatser, Lee, Shando and Chopstix for the effort yet again.

Good support again from the touchlines from Tinman, Hancock, Mad Vlad, Glen, Ethan (sp?) Steve, Gavin and Andrew.

Hard week ahead of us next week lads, but if we can get back some of the team spirit we displayed in bucket loads earlier in the year, no reason why we can’t have a good night next week.



--the fairmer 

Posted by dubainefc at 12:01 AM
Wednesday, 15 April 2009

P 4 W 0 D 1 L 3 = 1 point  Game week 2


0-1,  0-0, 1-2, 4-0  



Well then lads, yet again a great effort from all the lads that showed up last night. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, it wasn’t our night although this time, a lot of it was down to us, rather than us just being unlucky like a few weeks back. Having said that, looking at the teams in the group, this could easily have been a Division 2 group, or maybe even a Division 1 group, such were the strength of all the teams in it.

The lads were all in high spirits as per normal which was great to see. Apparently there had been a small matter of a golf game the previous weekend and our resident golf pro Grifter, had taken a bit of a thumping from Mad Vlad and Bronski MkII. This was only mentioned a thousand or so times prior to the first game and Bronski Mk II even wore a new T shirt to commemorate the win.

Beavis has obviously been taking the advice on cross dressing at the football and decided to leave his wife’s new outfit at home rather than wearing it and showing it off to all the lads. Good call Lionel.

The old Bronski watch has obviously been cast aside by all as we were all there well on time prior to KO which was great to see.

Our first game kicked off against Vaxim Divar. Jeffo was constantly telling everyone how Divar would play the game by keeping possession then knocking it long to one guy in particular who would be running the wing. He would then cut inside and score. They do this every game.

We started well and Divar seemed to be giving us plenty of possession without actually seriously threatening their goal.

Divar then knocked the ball long to one guy in particular who was running down the right wing. He then cut inside and slotted the ball past Hancock who was left exposed at the back. They had done it yet again. The Elite continued to push forward when Divar tried the same trick again. This time, Hancock was aware of the threat and was quick out of his box to thwart the attack. Unfortunately for Colin, handling the ball between the box and the half way line isn’t legal. Dave the ref gave a direct free kick to Divar and sent off Hancock for the remainder of the game. This seemed harsh due to the fact that Hancock had done the same two weeks ago twice and only received one free kick against. Anyway, No.9 came off and made way for Grifter who went straight into goals. He made a good save from the free kick and the Elite pushed forward even at a man down to try and get a goal back. We were always being pushed back and in the dying seconds Grifter did brilliantly pushing a vicious shot onto the post to keep the score down. Final whistle blew and first game ended without any points.

The guys came off a little down, but they had competed well especially when we went a player down. No disgrace losing to Divar at anytime with 5 players let alone 4.

We then had the one match break and were trying to gather our thoughts going into the second game.

The second game was against the league 3 leaders, and probably the dirtiest team I have had the misfortune to watch on a Tuesday night, ALA Goblins. I actually half expected Graeme Souness and Terry Hurlock to show up as subs for this team, they are that bad.

We started well against the Goblins and were pushing them about, showing who was actually boss. A couple of really crude challenges by one of their players had Shando’s back up. I wasn’t sure if he was more worried about the kicks he was taking or about dirtying his new boots. The ref in the second game seemed a lot more lenient than Dave in the first game as the challenges continually went unpunished. This seemed to let the Goblins think that they could get away with it and they continued throughout the game. Beavis and Lee also were at the end of some heavy challenges, again nothing being done about it. Credit to all the lads who managed to keep their cool during this game as it was difficult for us on the touchline not to run on and nut anyone playing in black strips. The game was pretty much played in the middle of the pitch as both teams struggled to test either keeper.

Game ended at 0-0 and the first point was on the board for the night.

Next game was against the Locker Room who were sitting bottom of the group after not turning up last week.

I always enjoy being involved with the Locker Room due to the Scandinavian lad, Thumper, at the back. He is so easily wound up and I was looking forward to a few more of his attempts to break his own wrist by pounding the pitch when either they miss chances or f*ck things up. He seemed particularly happy this week, as he seemed to have new shiny plastic red boots.

We were playing well against the Locker room when they scored completely against the run of play. Thumper was jumping up and down like a rabid rabbit in heat. Prick. Instead of the heads going down though, the Elite continued to push forward and chance after chance was spurned.

No.9 then came off the bench to collect the ball on the left wing. He cut inside and unleashed a cracking shot that the keeper could only have dreamt to save. It almost burst the net and took the Elite level. Again Thumper attempted to punch a hole in the pitch to everyone’s delight concerned with the Elite. We kept pushing forward at every opportunity as a couple of other great chances went begging including a cracking shot from No.9 that came back off the bar.

Then came Thumper’s crowning glory moment.

He picked the ball up inside his own box, he then seemed to Wayne Sleep esque dance his way past the entire Elite team and slotted the ball past Hancock at the back. The standard pitch thumping was greeted with disgust on the Elite touchline especially as the final whistle blew seconds after the restart.

Final Score 1-2 to Locker Room.

Into the last game against Stevie Summers’ Seven Wonders.

We really needed to get something form this game as we were staring Division 4 in the face. The guys were well up for it and were knocking the ball about well. SW then took the lead, simple ball through the heart of the Elite midfield had a two against one at the back and the ball was behind Hancock for the 4th time on the night. Again, the heads didn’t go down and we were pushing for an equalizer.

No.9 was sent on to try and add a bit of fight from the midfield area. Unfortunately right at the exact moment, Satch, who had run himself into the ground all night, signaled he needed subbed. He went off at the far side of the pitch as Shando was sent on to go upfront and try and rattle up the SW. Total confusion then ensued as SW complained to the ref we had 6 players on the pitch, so Shando walked off. He was sent back on by Fairmer who was trying to give instructions to No.9 to tell him where he was playing. Everyone seemed to stop on the spot as the ref shouted play on. The only team that appeared to hear that was SW, and they promptly strolled forward to slot in the second goal of the game.

The heads went down a little understandably and we then lost another two goals to compound our misery.

Final score 0-4 and the Elite trudged off the pitch for the last time on the night.

Again, a very disappointing outcome to the evening.

The crack was there, but the team spirit that was there a few weeks ago didn’t seem to surface a lot last night. No idea why, it just didn’t seem to be as evident as it has been in the past few weeks. We win as a team and we lose as a team.

Quodos to Jeffo, Hancock, Beavis, Grifter, Satchmo, Lee, Shando and Chopstix.

Good support again from the touchlines from Mad Vlad, Dillon, Jake and Andrew. It probably isn’t enough to keep us in the 3rd Division but no point crying about it, we need to pick ourselves back up and get back to where we belong.

P.S. This was Wullie after being told that we might fall another division. His response was “C’mon the Elite, onward and upward!” 

God knows best lads….unless it comes to keeping the two Jimmies in a job of course……

--"The Fairmer"

Posted by dubainefc at 3:03 PM
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Too Many Early April Fool?s for the Elite ?

P 4 W 0 D 0 L 4 = 0 points  Game week 2

1-0,  3-0, 2-0, 1-0  


Well then lads, we will get to the short bit about the football soon, but again a great effort from all the lads that showed up last night. It just wasn’t our night and nothing went our way. That was it. Nothing more nothing less.

It all started very promising when a new keeper arrived, well on time with Sid. He looked the part when he changed into the famous yellow jersey of the Elite and even posed for the camera even though Mad Vlad had no idea how to work it.

No.9 arrived unexpectedly (and early) to raise spirits even higher so there was a buzz around the pitch again which was great to see. Thankfully he had gotten rid of the god awful Pr(emark)ada  shorts he was wearing last week and was definitely more suitably dressed. However, I do think that Lionel had been taking little Bronski Beats’ advice when it comes to dressing up. Without any doubt it was his missus top he had on, as the V Neck should have actually had a tidy set of paps pushing through it, not heaps of chest hair….. sort it oot Lionel.

Bronski then revealed that he had sold his old watch to Bronski Beat MkII and this was confirmed when Jeffo arrived 5 minutes prior to KO. The Fairmer was quite tense at this point as he had went against his own ruling and left his team selection to the last minute, blaming the irregular weather conditions and the bad roads for the delay in picking the team THIS WEEK ONLY!

The banter was great and things were looking good. We even managed to find a new name for our new Goalie as it was pointed out that he bore more than a striking resemblance to a famous pop stars’ best mate. More of that later.

Anyway, first game kicked off against Stevie Summers Seven Wonders. Bubbles in goals was looking great. He was confident on the ball making plenty noise and talking to the players in front of him.

Seven Wonders then had a foray up field and tried a shot that Bubbles stopped well. Unfortunately he couldn’t hold it, and the ball spilled to an unmarked SW player who slotted it home. No probs, 1-0 down and the Elite just had the kick in the ass that they needed to get going.

Then disaster struck.

Whilst posing for another camera shot, our new goalie stuck his foot in the turf and went over his ankle. He hit the deck as if Y cardy had just run right through him (more of that later too). He was out for at least the night. Bubbles had burst. Bronski MkII then went in goal for the time it took Hancock to shut up and pull on the keepers top. Near the end of the game, Jeffo was changed out for Hancock in goals. Clean sheet for Jeffo.

Sid had a shot at goal during the game but we never really recovered from the loss of bubbles. Game ended uneventfully for the Elite and we lost 1-0.

Onward and upward was the call from the touchline and there was still a good spirit amongst the guys going into the second game against Dubai Wanderers.

This game was pretty much a blur for the Elite as we huffed and puffed a lot but really had very limited attacks at their goal. Unfortunately, DW had three attacks and scored from them all. Grifter was responding well to some positive comments from the touchline and was happy to oblige carrying out the instructions to the letter.

Game ended 3-0. Heads went down a little but on a whole we played ok and it was never a 3-0 game.

Into the third game really looking to pick up some points against Showtime. Unfortunately for the Elite, the ref who was the same guy Y Cardy had a go at last week, had other ideas.

The game was very even with the Elite pushing forward at every opportunity. A couple of hard tackles flew in and the ref aggravated the Elite midfield by awarding free kicks time after time against the Elite.

Y Cardy was getting extremely pissed with this and decided it was time to really test the ref. The ball came up to the half way line. It was controlled well by a Showtime player until he then hit the deck as if Y Cardy had just run through him. This time, that actually happened. Y Cardy run off with the ball as if nothing had happened and actually looked surprised when the ref called play back.

On the touchline, we were just surprised the Showtime player made it back up on his feet to be honest. Y Cardy’s bestest mate, the ref, then called him over and sin binned him for two minutes. Play raged on with Showtime using the extra man advantage well. The Elite sat back trying to keep a clean sheet.

Then Hancock was adjudged to have handled outside his box and Showtime were awarded a free kick on the edge of the area. The ref was winning no new mates from the Elite touchline as he continued to do his utmost to hand the game to Showtime. The resultant free kick was well worked and found its way into the back of the net for us to go 1-0 down. Y Cardy was then allowed back on the field and we pushed for an equalizer.

With everyone pushing forward, we were left exposed at the back and as so often happens we lost a second goal. Showtime made a sub late on who then had to come back off as he was wearing no shin pads and Simon grassed him up to the ref. Good work Simon.

Game ended with a few shouts aimed at the ref and disappointed to have lost another fairly even game. Final Score 2-0.

Into the last game against our old adversaries, the Danes (Fa are they again?). We couldn’t have ended with a harder game if we had tried, but that is how it goes. Y cardy had a good shot saved and then we gave away another silly free kick in a dangerous area. The Danes (Fa?) scored from the free kick and we were facing a fourth successive defeat. Not much else from this game and when the final whistle blew it seemed more of a relief than anything else.

As per the previous report I did, I don’t like signaling out anyone in particular as everyone played their part and it was a great effort from everyone involved.

Disappointing outcome to a night that promised so much. Good points though were that the team spirit was yet again immense. Quodos to Jeffo, Hancock, Beavis, Grifter, Satchmo, Sid, Chris, Yeatser, and Lee.

Good support again from the touchlines from Mad Vlad, Dillon(sp?) and Simon. It probably isn’t enough to keep us in the 2nd Division but luck just deserted us last night.

The main thing for me was that there were still even a few smiles as we trudged to the car park which was good to see.

Onwards and upwards for next week lads! Mon the Elite!

PS This was Jimmy’s reaction as I told him the results last night……..obviously the tips he passed onto the fairmer didn’t quite work. Guess I can give the tombola back to the missus for her bingo…

Posted by dubainefc at 11:39 PM
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Tuesday 31st March 7pm Kick Off

Well guys, a superb set of results last week sees us topping the Division 2 which is outstanding. Please see below for the current league standings.



Division 2                             P W D  L Pts GD


Northern Elite                   4  1   3  0   5   3.1

Arla Foods                           4  1   3  0   5   1.0

Showtime                           4  1   2  1   4   2.2

Dubai Wanderers             4  0   3  1   3   1.2

Seven Wonders                4  1   1  2   3   1.3



Yet again a big thank you personally from me for the great effort from everyone connected with the Elite last week.


As per last week, please ensure that you are at the pitch at least 15 minutes prior to KO as we have the early shift again this week, so KO is at 7pm.


Everyone available for selection on Tuesday night, please let me know as soon as possible so that we can plan a little bit ahead of time.


Again, well done lads, here’s to another great night on Tuesday. 


Posted by dubainefc at 1:37 PM
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Pwoud, vewy, vewy pwoud

Right lads, this is my first ever match report so slag away once you have gone through it.


I would like to start off again this week by thanking everyone who turned up last night, especially the ones that were on time (i.e. 15 mins before KO). No.9 needs to maybe ask Sunty for a new watch as the one he has obviously disna work properly. You could maybe change it for those bloody awful shorts you had on last night. Jeez min.

Anyway on to the games.

First week round of games again in Division 2 for the Elite.


We started off like a train in our first game against Stevie Summers’ Seven Wonders. Y Cardy made a comeback to the team and was rewarded with a starting spot even though he didn’t look totally 100% fit (will he ever look 100% fit though?). He repaid the managers faith by having two spectacular attempts in the first couple of seconds that whistled past the post and over the bar respectively.

SW didn’t know what was hitting them as the Elite attacked with wave after wave of pressure. Beavis was put clean through one on one with the keeper by a great through ball from Sid, only for his Darren Mackie esq first touch to let him down and the ball ran into the keepers arms.

Y Cardy was getting involved in just about everything, including almost taking out one of the SW players as they were bearing through on goal. The guy got up and half heartedly attempted to square up but I think he then realized who he was messing with and walked away mouthing off to the ref. Either that or he spotted Glen on the touchline and decided it was better that he kept walking.

SW had their moments too though when Stevie Summers warmed the hands or should I say legs of Hancock with a reasonable effort that was well blocked by the keeper. Sid then had a late attempt that again was well taken by their keeper and the final whistle then blew.

Final Score 0-0, first points of the night to the Elite.


We then had a break as we watched the other games around us. Mad Vald reckoned the Danes were the team to watch out for. I was busy looking on my trainspotting guide to see if I could see what the name of the Danes were and where they were in the league, so I asked without looking up, “Which team are the Danes?”. Apparently Mad Vlad thought this was hysterical as he pointed and said “The ones playing in Danish strips you arse”. I think even being there didn’t seem too funny, but Mad Vald seemed almost in tears.

Anyway, in the other games that were being played, Seven Wonders recovered from their 0-0 mauling at the hands of the Elite to beat Dubai Wanderers 1-0. Contrary to popular belief, it wisna Stevie Summers who scored. It was the guy with the upside doon heid (hair on his chin only). The other game ended goalless.


Second game of the night for the Elite and we were up against Showtime. They had just been relegated from the 1st Division and were obviously out to prove a point. What they didn’t bank on was a certain Keith Park being given a starring role in Midfield by the manager. It was very reminiscent of the role Dougie Bell Played against Waterschei back in 83. Chesney also made a return to the team after a long absence.

The match was very tight in the initial stages and Hancock again produced another fine save early on to keep the scores level. A great run up the wing by Y Cardy ended in Chopstix turning his man on the edge of the box and firing in his first goal of the night past their helpless keeper.

The crowd on the sidelines went wild and it looked as if the police dragged away a couple of lads that had tried to scale the fence to get into the away fans.

Things had barely settled down when Sid then had a great pass collected by Chopstix who again sent a great shot past the keeper for the Elite to go 2 up. Again the crowd went mental with a few shouts of “Who Are Ye?” ringing around the pitch. The football on show was an absolute joy to watch and Chopstix managed to blaze his hat trick chance over the bar after a superb through ball from Y Cardy. Chopstix got an absolute mouthful from Y Cardy who looked like it was going to be the last thing he said as he was breathing heavily through his arse at this point.

Chopstix came off to rapturous applause from the sidelines after a great performance and was replaced by Grifter who got straight into Showtime’s tired defenders and never gave them a minutes peace.

Final Whistle blew and the game ended 2-0 to the Elite.


Straight into the third game against Dubai Wanderers who had just been promoted from Division 3.

The team spirit was obviously through the roof with the Elite as we started this game the exact same way we had ended the previous two.

Sid again came very close early on with a shot that flew past the keepers post.

The game was quite even with the Elite obviously tiring a little. DW then ended up with a corner from nothing. Hancock who had very little to do up to this point was organizing his defence. Colin obviously thought he had enough time to also organize the crowd as well and started showing the guys on the touchline how to do the Mexican wave. At the very time he threw his hands in the air, the ball came across and touched his finger tips and dropped to the unmarked DW player behind him to tap the ball into the empty net. This was the first goal that the Elite had conceded all night and it obviously knocked us down a little.

A couple of free kicks from DW failed to do anything other than keep Hancock on his toes, as he saved brilliantly from both.

We recovered though and pressed for an equalizer. We surged forward leaving a dominant Chopper on his own at the back. Y Cardy appeared to have gotten a second wind and played a great ball across the edge of the box to Beavis who turned the defender and fired a great shot through the legs of their keeper to level the score.

Game ended without any further incident.

Final Score 1-1 yet another point to the elite.


Last game of the night was against the Danes (Fa are they again?).

The lads started as they had been playing all night and put the Danes under immediate pressure. Sid again had two excellent chances to open the scoring which both went past the post. We were pressing the Danes back giving them very little time on the ball. Y Cardy then was fouled in the middle of the park but the ref waved play on.

Y Cardy launched a blistering attack on the ref who I thought was going to shit himself on the spot. The game raged on from one end to the other with both sides having chances.

Chopstix, the hero from game 2, then cracked a shot off the post. I had to say this as he actually missed it hitting the post, he had already wheeled around and was celebrating it hitting the net as the rebound flew past him…….


The game ended 0-0 and yet another point for the elite was in the bag.


Overall an absolutely superb night for the elite, 3 goals scored and only one conceded. 5 points collected. Absolutely delighted. With a little bit more luck, we might have had another win at the end if we hadn’t hit the post, but don’t want to sound greedy.


Hancock, Y Cardy, Grifter, Sid, Chopstix, Beavis, Chopper and Chesney all played absolute starring roles and showed excellent team spirit. The abuse from the touchline was as good as it has ever been, especially coming from Big Glen, Mad Vlad and No.9. Cheers for turning up lads to support the team.


So that was my first ever match report. Hope nobody fell asleep half way through it. My tin hat is on and ready…………





The Fairmer (nae Farmer FFS!)

Posted by dubainefc at 11:05 AM
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
NE Team Management


First of all a big thank you for the effort again last night. The standings haven’t been posted yet, but hopefully a total of 7 points will be enough to keep us in Division 2. It is a tough division and there are some tidy teams in it. We definitely don’t have any divine right to be there, but we are, and it is all down to the effort of the squad.

This then leads me onto my next few points.

As you all know this is a 5 a side league where we normally have a minimum of 10 guys showing up each week (although the first week I came along on my tod, there were only 5!!!). Only 8 can get stripped so ultimately each week at least a couple of guys will be disappointed and left on the sidelines.

A few things that need to be said though going forward:

1)    If you have announced you are available to play, you must be fully fit to play. If you feel you will not be 100% fit, don’t say you are available for selection. This is unfair on the guys left out and is unfair on the squad on a whole. It lets everyone down.

2)    Everyone willing to play should be at the pitch at least 15 mins prior to kick off. The strips will be handed out exactly 15 mins prior to KO and if you are not there, you won’t be selected. End of...

To my understanding, the whole “Northern Elite” deal, was down to a bunch of lads generally from the North East of Scotland coming along for a good crack and to support the guys that are playing. If you are selected to play then great. If you are not, you are expected to give 100% support to the lads that are.

Unfortunately for me, the only chance I ever had of getting involved with the NE is to stand on the sidelines as I am not built to play (to quote Minty “I am not overweight, I am just under height”).

I am absolutely delighted to be involved with you guys. I really enjoy it. The only really bad thing for me is letting people down by either not getting guys stripped or not playing them. I understand I am not there to be popular but in the same token, I am not there to piss people off. If that happens, I would rather spend my Tuesday nights in with the missus having the very occasional shag and let someone else pick the team.

To stay in the 2nd division, or even to move into the 1st, there needs to be hard decisions made on selections. People will get upset but it is not personal and I don’t ever want people thinking that. Decisions are made on the night for the good of NE not to keep everyone happy.

If the purpose of the NE is to give all the guys a run out every week and to change the team around for the sake of it, then get used to Divisions 4/5/6  guys because that is where we will end up and stay. I know for a fact that you guys don’t want that and I certainly don’t.

So I guess the purpose of the whole rant was to try and lay my cards on the table. I am a reasonably honest guy and will tell people straight up what I am thinking. I don’t have a problem with anyone doing the same to me in fact I would encourage it, whether it be through email, phone or next time you see me.

Feel free to air any thoughts you have.

Posted by dubainefc at 9:21 PM
Updated: Wednesday, 18 March 2009 9:28 PM
Sunday, 8 March 2009
NE promoted

Hello NE,


As we sat there at the Belgian Cafe on Friday drinking some dodgy strong beer and toasting our nappers on the terrace for big Grifters 35th, Lance Gingestrong aka the Thunderbird puppet Jane Fonda dancer from Nelsons bar took out his dingleberry and looked up the soccer dubai website.


We were stunned to see the NE are up boys, 1 goal squeezed us in and league 2 fittie is on for this week.


Superb news, see league table below.


Division 3







The Playas Club







Northern Elite







Real Bad






Posted by dubainefc at 9:11 PM
Updated: Wednesday, 18 March 2009 9:17 PM
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Team Standing

Division 3


KO 20:15



Northern Elite


eFreight Goblins


Wilson's Warriors


Real Bad


The Playas Club




Hello Elite,


OK so last week was a disappointment lads but 1 defeat in 8 games is nothing to be down about and we proved that we can handle the top two divs nae problem.


Lack oh goals cost us boys but each game was tighter than Gordon Strachans arse but loads of encouraging signs for the team as we move forward.  


So Tuesday night is almost here & the Elite are in Div 3 ( Top just now keep it that way) -  Middle Shift 8 .15 kick off. We play 3 in a row, wee break than we play the Goblins.  I see our old pals Real Bad are back into the 3rd so it should be a good night.


Who's up for the fitba on Tuesday, I'm pretty sure the Feather is out of town as is Beatlemania but what about the rest ?


I'm looking for Terry A, Sido, Y-Cardy or (Val Mubers) & Deeply Dippy to make an appearance.  


Mon the Elite, Mon


PS big shout to Iain Mearns boys I've heard fae Mearnsie this week and he's still trying to keep up to speed with us & the e-mails but he's been busy busy working + his second child is just a kick in the arse away from making an appearance.  So Fit Like Mearnsie nice to know your still alive son. 



Posted by dubainefc at 12:01 AM

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