Lads,

First of all a big thank you for the effort again last night. The standings haven’t been posted yet, but hopefully a total of 7 points will be enough to keep us in Division 2. It is a tough division and there are some tidy teams in it. We definitely don’t have any divine right to be there, but we are, and it is all down to the effort of the squad.

This then leads me onto my next few points.

As you all know this is a 5 a side league where we normally have a minimum of 10 guys showing up each week (although the first week I came along on my tod, there were only 5!!!). Only 8 can get stripped so ultimately each week at least a couple of guys will be disappointed and left on the sidelines.

A few things that need to be said though going forward:

1)    If you have announced you are available to play, you must be fully fit to play. If you feel you will not be 100% fit, don’t say you are available for selection. This is unfair on the guys left out and is unfair on the squad on a whole. It lets everyone down.

2)    Everyone willing to play should be at the pitch at least 15 mins prior to kick off. The strips will be handed out exactly 15 mins prior to KO and if you are not there, you won’t be selected. End of...

To my understanding, the whole “Northern Elite” deal, was down to a bunch of lads generally from the North East of Scotland coming along for a good crack and to support the guys that are playing. If you are selected to play then great. If you are not, you are expected to give 100% support to the lads that are.

Unfortunately for me, the only chance I ever had of getting involved with the NE is to stand on the sidelines as I am not built to play (to quote Minty “I am not overweight, I am just under height”).

I am absolutely delighted to be involved with you guys. I really enjoy it. The only really bad thing for me is letting people down by either not getting guys stripped or not playing them. I understand I am not there to be popular but in the same token, I am not there to piss people off. If that happens, I would rather spend my Tuesday nights in with the missus having the very occasional shag and let someone else pick the team.

To stay in the 2^nd division, or even to move into the 1^st, there needs to be hard decisions made on selections. People will get upset but it is not personal and I don’t ever want people thinking that. Decisions are made on the night for the good of NE not to keep everyone happy.

If the purpose of the NE is to give all the guys a run out every week and to change the team around for the sake of it, then get used to Divisions 4/5/6  guys because that is where we will end up and stay. I know for a fact that you guys don’t want that and I certainly don’t.

So I guess the purpose of the whole rant was to try and lay my cards on the table. I am a reasonably honest guy and will tell people straight up what I am thinking. I don’t have a problem with anyone doing the same to me in fact I would encourage it, whether it be through email, phone or next time you see me.

Posted by dubainefc at 9:21 PM

Updated: Wednesday, 18 March 2009 9:28 PM

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

P 4 W 1 D 2 L 1 = 4 points

1-0- 2-2 - 2-3 - 2-2 ( cana mind the scores) 

WELL WELL WELL what a week that was eh! AFC humping Cetlic 4 -2, Kaka's 100 million pound on / off saga, Tango Man touted as the next manager oh the Northern Elite, new manie in the white house & NEFC promoted to Div 3 !!!!  None of these " Headlines" come close to the news MR SCOTTY MATHEWS aka  one oh the fellas  fae right said FRED made his debut last night  for the now Legendary Northern Elite FC and boy oh boy he had the side lines DEEPLY DIPPY with his performance !

 YES Sportsfans today's report is all about Scotty Mathews after months of chasing the signature of our very own Kaka  the Chairman along with the help from the man oh many names finally managed to get the soon to be "40" year old along to the FITBA. I think it's only fair that his new nickname is KAKA.  I hope you enjoy the pictures, attached.

 Last night the Chairman was seen & heard singing " Only One Scotty Mathews" and jumping about like a dafty when he set eyes on his old friend stripped and ready for action, although there was a bit of muted feeling in the squad the Chairman was delighted to see that, at last, the Northern Elite FC are starting to see signs of the hard work that the board have been putting in over the last 3 months is starting to come through. Last night you could see that there is a new look to the NE playing staff that sets them up nicely for the future. It's always hard getting the right balance to a squad but perhaps now with the younger elite coming through mixed with the old guard the Club is in good hands...... You only have to look at the promotions they have achieved and the smiles on the players faces recently to see how far they have come.

 So into Div 3 the Elite went for the first time in a while and they certainly raised a few eyebrows in game 1 and had the rest of the Div looking hard over their shoulders.

 Game 1 -  Up against a new look Real Bad they were well up for it, but the Elite performed magnificently and played some great fitba and had the guffies on the back foot and playing dirty, prompting the shout fae the Chairman you "DIRTY ENGLISH WANKER" oof you should have seen the refs coupan and surprise surprise the NE got nothing the rest of the game, I was half expecting to see the Chairman sent to the stands but hey ho he escaped because he was hiding behind the GRIFTER. Anyhoo the Elite went on to win this game 1-0 I think.

Game 2 - Up against Spillage Idiots - Same feeling to this game and these loons were up for it an ah, the Elite played some good fitba and walked of with a draw. Like game two it was niggly and things are heating up in Div 3.

Game 3 - Up against - Club 51 true to form our French bogey team did it again and walked off the park smiling after turning the elite over, in a game they should never have won.

 Game 4 - Up against Seven Wanderers -  Good match and these fellas were like in the first 2 games well up for it and to be fair a draw was probably a fair result.

 DIV 3 Summary -  The standard is higher and the opposition is bigger and fitter. The Elite are in good shape and with the best team picked for next week will be ok.

Squad.

999 -  Hard night for the 999 and apart from one good save in the first match I think he had a poor night, I'm sure by his own admission he would agree. 4 -10

Chopper - Magic performance from the Big Chopper, in every game he played a blinder, it was good to see Ryan back playing after an extended Christmas holiday and he never put a foot wrong. In the past he's been close to my Man oh the Match and last night he nailed it well done Chopper 10-10.

Count Normski - The wee fella loves playing for the Elite and he ran his heart oot last night, I think it's only fair to mention his fresh air lashes at an imaginary fitba but he's excused as he played through the pain barrier and the Elite always look a better team when he's in it. 9-10

Marble Man - Yeh ha oor very own unique conversationalist was back and it was fantastic to see him, it's not a problem that his team mates and sidelines have no idea what he's on aboot Marbler lets his feet do the talking, if it was not for Ryans performance he would have been MOM, great performance Ter and I hope your back next week. 9-10

Sid the Sexist - Another new face to the Elite and part of the youth policy which will stand the club in good stead for the future the Sid monster sporting his sexy lycra all in one played magic and scored a "lucky" goal.  I like this player a lot and as time goes by he can only get better, he can play a bit and he's a cheeky ........ an ah sounds like an Elite player to me.  Well done min 91/2 - 10

Mr.Greedy - Hard night for the Shando and I think his noodle is somewhere else just now but at times he did the easy stuff well and put his weight & arse into some good tackles, not sure if it was him or Beavis that scored one of the goals as they were locked together like a pair more suited to "strictly come duncin" end result goal. Well done min 7-10

BEAVIS - Now where do you start with this fella oor Beavis played some good fitba and showed heaps oh energy, like Sid he can only get better with games. I think he fancies his chances as the " Drfiters" apprentice and I've attached a T-shirt for him to put on on Thursday night. This fella has a long way to go to get close to some of the past masters i.e, Lazer, Pirie etc but I think the young pretender is up for the challenge, god help him but he's a welcome addition to the squad.  9-10 well done min.

KAKA -  Yes last but by no means least, what a debut from the KAKA man 1 goal, 2 assists & covered 55 miles from the now legendary and ELITES OLDEST PLAYER ( you have nae idea how happy Satchmo is about this, what am I saying off course you do) well done Scotty, the inspiration for the headline the presence and influence of KAKA had this journalist asking is he too sexy for this league? Now after the first report of the season we predicted that the Elite would be playing "sexy fitba" and last night in places the team showed it, I put this down to Kaka and I cana wait for him to team up with his pal fae Hilton Y-Cardy. Nice one Scotty boy and welcome to the Elite 9 3/4 - 10

On the side,

Satchmo, Grifter, No9, ( Text Sex Ritchie magic to see him support the NE) and the Chairman, good crack on the sidelines and lots of encouragement handed out to the palyers. Subs were a bit strange and this need to be sorted oot. Next week the Chairman & Big G are on the line and I'm sure it will be better. Nae chance nae hearing the Chairman & nae chance nae seeing Big G .It's both encouraging and enjoyable to see more people taking an interest and supporting the club. At the end of the day it's all about having a laugh and as the Elite continues to grow and more and more people getting involved in the fitba and social scene ( big thanks to Drifter) I see 09 being well, to quote Vinny " EMOTIONAL"

So back to the ARGC for a shandy and 10 bowls oh chips, getting burned by the big Boonsen Burners and a giggle, good to see more of the Elite make an effort. The highs for me was Normskis face when he clocked more peole arrive, you could feel his pain at the thought oh sharing his 10 bowls oh Jockies, Yeatser would have loved it. AND when Beavis was asked just why is that you call Handsome DRFITER he replied eh is that nae his name, priceless !

 Yeh Ha Beavis is mental and it cracked me up when  he tried to justify getting his wires crossed by saying wait for this " I thought it was because of the way (GRIFTER)- DRIFTS through defences "f..k me I almost choked on my fried tatties. Some Man Beavis stick close to the big man on Thursday, but my money is on you being in a taxi by half time...... PS you need a T-shirt like this it's your only hope getting a trap when your oot with the Grifter & Cooper.......

I'm looking forward to next week already and the arrival of Minty & Piries......Onwards & Upwards,

The Absconder

Posted by dubainefc at 12:01 AM

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Your favorite sons were back and back with a bang, with the email banter flowing in the run up to the game and an expected squad of 108 it was always going to be one of those nights for the mighty Elite. Having arrived early with the Chairman following a conference call with his good friend and my 2nd cousin twice removed completely, John 'Celtic Legend' Hewitt it was business as usual, squad of 363 now at bare bones with The Chairman and Raving Reporter Normski Hewitt on there jacker till at least ten to 8 followed by a steady flow of your favorite warriors on the horizon, cant remember exact number of lads available but no where near the 461 expected, however the lads braved the cold winter breeze and the banter began.

First out the tracks the two 'midget wrestlers' attacking The Big Grifter Orangutan, body blows to the big man appeared to hinder this slender built unit in later games and possibly even caused amnesia (more later).New faces appeared as the mighty NE added another PRO to the team…'HELLO' ..to Michael L Ritchie (does the L mean Lionel), yes folks the list of ex PRO's becoming endless with fans favorite  Y cardy ex Dundee/Huntly/Peterheed, Minty Ex Factor, we welcome Michael L Ritchie fresh from the Ozzie 'soccer'/fitba league, nae sure fa he actually played for but we'll call them Fair Dinkum United and carry on, this quiet lad will slip in well to the Elite, nae one to start rumors but supposedly ‘Lionel is getting paid for playing we the NE’  Chairman Simm made no comment when asked!!! More on the new email enthusiast later. Also a big shout to Sid how joined the lads last night, a great find from the big Grifter/My Hero and sure he’ll gain a nickname or two once he settles in. 

With minutes to go and Fergie roaring oot the orders in a ventriloquist style through Jimmer, the lads took to the field, with a massive support of 3 behind them. 

Scores on the night…I think- W-1 L-2 D-1, League finishing position- 

Squad-

Hancock- Worried ealry on when the bumble bee couldnae find his dons top but this man shows no fear and played withoot it, he's not only the star of ‘Baker Monthly’ but also a great shot stopper, keepers rarely get the credit they deserve and this report no different. Kept Elite in it several times and made the stops when required just as keepers should, never at fault for goals- 9/10

Count Norman/Reardon/Pitch/Sleeves- Not my greatest night and with highlight 'pulling a boys sleeve' think that says enough 6/10 although i was related to John Hewitt for 28years- 7/10

Satch-Where do you start, again the oldest man ‘alive’ sorry playing but the man is like a really ‘auld’ Maldini, never a foot wrong, plays 5's the way it should, simple passes keeps it tight and playing alongside him i never seen a stray pass, seriously boys thought Satchmo was outstanding, he's a credit to the old gaurd and a stalwart. NE looked a team when he stepped on the park and here's hoping we get another season or two out those legs 10/10

Grifter/Dib Dabs/Orangutan-Think the physical assault from the munchkins may have affected the big man late in the games, cannot knock this mans effort though and his commitment to the cause is second to none. He's a gentle giant in my eyes, not only did he nae kill us for attacking him but he even gies attackers a couple o yards heid start,he normally does catch them though so think Jimmers attack on him actually lost Elite a goal in second game, hang yer heid in shame Jim. Grifter The best thrower o a golf ba ever- 8/10

No 9- He jist disnae stop running!!! Superb when called for Lee, yer a credit to yer old man fa can run for fun, and Edser fa once run (a bath), torn in and battled hard on a difficult night, as for the outburst at the end towards the gaffer and his running skills we'll just put that doon to the excitement o the jockies whips at the bar- 8/10

Shando-With a difficult break up between himsel and the cool box who've been together since early 2008, Gogs showed this was'nt to affect his night and slotted into several positions on Tuesday, canna mind if ye nicked a goal but canna mind the scores either-8/10

Simon ‘Sid’ Sherriffs- New face to NE and a cracking debut, you can always tell a fitba player and fan Sid turned up we one o those lycra vest things that Hancock wears I thought he was mare an aerobics teacher than a fitba player…how wrong I was. Sid’s debut was superb and he slotted in to NE like he had been there for years, power of work in midfield and never put a foot wrong, with the glitz and glamour surrounding The Ozzie Legend, Sid came through with flying colours, perfect start to a new NE career- 9.5/10

Lionel/Beavis/Pele/Joe Mangle-Far do you start, the new NE Star had mare pressure on him than my good pal Becks last week, spoke to the legend Lionel before the game and confidence oozed from the showman, in between sending emails Lionel warmed up and looked impressive from the off...a definite starter in game 1. ‘Hello’ it is him we’re looking for…BANG Goal, two minutes in and a goal from NE newest star, the sideline was ‘dancing on the ceiling’ and more expected from Lionel, I could go on with this performance but seeing yesterdays emails I think Lionel ,may send his ane report and 10/10 expected. Seriously though great start from another debutant and will take time to settle to this strange 5 asides, sure the emails will follow from him and welcome on board-9/10 

Summary- Elite had a tough night and for a change started brightly but faded towards the end, big guns expected back in coming weeks and Y Cardy/Clark Kent/Chopper 1 will bring the best out the NE once again. Without taking any limelight away fae Lionel, my favorite tale of the night is my hero Orangutan Grifter losing his way, on route to the Ranches ‘home of Elite’ Jimmer gets a text from The G Unit- ‘wrang turn on route’ turns oot the stand in Cadbury’s Dairy Milk drummer took the rang road to his home golf club where he is seen daily, shout fae Jimmer (nae me) ‘what a big useless Orangutan’…..

Posted by dubainefc at 12:01 AM

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

See below the last league table for 2008, we are back up to league 4. We won 2 games very convincingly and lost the last one very convincingly. One team no show so W3 L1 D0, 6 points on the night.

New coachio Graeme Smith got a taste of the Northern Elite and the 5’s, and he had a very successful opening night, nice one.  

See you all next year if not before, Merry Xmas.

p.s. Tues 6^th Jan is the first night of the 5’s again I think.

Ho ho ho,

Satch

Posted by dubainefc at 6:59 PM

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

P 3 W 2 D 0 L 1 = 6 points ( 1 no show) 

...Sports Fans, yes you have guessed it after 2 weeks away your favourite reporter is back and  what I witnessed on Tuesday night from our heroes was " SPECIAL" 

In a week that has witnesses more highs and lows than a "Torry crack hoose" the Northern Elite produced a legendary performance that would surely put a smile on their Old & New Managers faces. Yes sports fans I'm pleased to report that Graeme "Smithy" Smith or soon to be known as ALEX has accepted the role as COACHIO for the NEFC. If he can produce 1/2 the passion that Interim Coachio Y-Cardy did on Tuesday NIGHT the NE will be in good hands. 

Some of our heroes had recently played at a golf tournament and by the sounds of things the time away from the daily grind of Dubai did them the world of good. So Fresh from their Golfing exploits the NE squad gathered for the early kick off. I was keen to see how the NE would respond to Stand In Gaffer Y- Buzz Light-year Cardy's team talk and this is what I heard,  " Right get F-en stripped" talk about inspiration and passion I was starting to think is this it ? After months of crying like a gut shot indian about having a crack at the coachio role, is this the best team talk that he can come up with. Keep in mind sports fans that he has played for some of the best in the game. Anyhow I then heard the Chairman ask " Is that it min" To be greeted with the reply you get stripped an ah fatty! Talk about job security ooof he must have known it was his job for one night  only. I was thinking jesus Y-Man I hope things are more lively on the pitch ( I was not disappointed) I watched with a smile as "tweedle dee & tweedle dum" were taking the piss and singing songs (it started in the car apparently as Y-man was talking to himself on the phone)  I was encouraged when he said have some FUN boys and play with a smile. 

As  the  boys  got ready for action and could just tell that something special was about to happen and it did but sadly true to form the Elite got off to a slow start I think the team were called fcek ? nae sure what kind of name that is but they had a couple of good players ( keeper was / is a tit ) after 2 great chances which the boys missed and the tit saved I witnessed our boys commit the cardinal sin of leaving space at the back and they banged in two quick goals which they finished well but should never have had. After that things went worse for the Elite as they went 3 down and were starting to get a bit annoyed, This produced the highlight of the game so far for the Elite as our Tinman in a scene suited to Peter Pan did his best to fly up to the top corner to stop going 4 down and did the hand of TIN!  got send off of and gave away a pen. THIS WAS THE KICK UP THE ARSE THE BOYS NEEDED 4 down and the tit keeper shouts " keep going boys goal difference counts, get another 1" So a man down the Elite turn it on and score 2 great goals which had this mob praying for the final whistle but it was not to be and our boys were beat I think 4-2 maybe 5. Next week this mob are going to get hammered and the keeper is a w**k was the shout fae the Chairman.

Anyhoo the troops gathered round and we witnessed the the Y-Man come alive it was like going back in time and being in the company of Winston Churchill as Y-Cardy rallied his troops and sent them oot for the next 2 games.  Which the Elite scored another 6 goals and won in style. I will break down the highlights next to the players below. I cant mind who scored but I'm sure they will let us know. 

          HANCOCK - My My My talk about having confidence in yer keeper ! I've always liked our calypso king in goals and on Tuesday he reminded me why. Jesus our Marv must have been drinking rum before the he came to the fitba. Some of the stuff he was doing reminded me of Bruce Grobblar. He was on the receiving end of a roasting a few times from his gaffer and team mates for what can only be described as suicide fitba. I can report that the Chairman was enjoying it and was doing all that he could to stop laughing as he was running/  rolling. At the end of the night our Marv produced this Black Lycra number and earned himself a new name " HANCOCK" from his team mates. What a night Hancock it's a shame you're in Japan next week. ( 9-10 for entertainment value )  

 Tin Man -  Wow what a night for the big man sometimes the Tinners is stork like when he runs and his sending off in the first game will long be remembered by the Elite ( I wish we had it on film) fantastic performance for the "stork" and in the last game the Elite got a free kick both Chopper 1 and the Chairman were shouting for Yeatser to have a dig only for the "stork" to step up and not for the first time he put it in the top corner which had the keeper well beat and his team mates jumping for joy. What a goal and again wish it was on film. ( 9-10)

Chopper 1 -  Every time I see this mannie play fitba I'm impressed and on Tuesday everything he did was quality he's been very very close to my MOM and I'm pleased to report that this time he got JOINT MOM. SUPERB Stuff Ryan well done ( 10-10) 

The Chairman -  2 weeks in a row the "Fat Controller" has played with his pals and is loving every minute of it. Linked up well with the Y-man and his old mate Satchmo for the best game of the night which was the inspiration form my headline. It was fantastic goal and although his fitness leaves a lot to be desired the Chairman is looking forward to more 1 min super sub roles in the future. He was chuffed to bits that Kev slotted it home but barely had the strength to congratulate him. Did the easy stuff and played with a smile and I think put a few smiles on his team mates face an ah. (9 1/2 - 10) 

Norman, Ray, The Pitch, Chopper 2, Chop Sticks, Rigsby, Toda Taxi, Jnr Hamish, The Count, Hot Lugs, Buzby, Jocky Whips Gobbler: Great performance fae Normski ran his heart oot and played some great fitba, skinned the boy doon the left so many times it was starting to get embarrassing but was a joy to watch. Well done yah dancer ( 9 1/2 - 10) 

No 9 - Wee Lee is a star for the Elite and the way he puts his weight around the pitch is quality. Heap oh running from the Kung Foo man and played well in every game for the troops. I like it when Lee is around and I hope he's back next week. Almost got his arse kicked for a slack back pass fae his gaffer but all in all.( 9-10) 

Satchmo -  Still the oldest member of the squad but his age does not hold him back. Over the years Sathmo has been to the source of a lot of inspiration for the Elite and watching him link up & finish the "move of the year" was the stuff of legends. Always plays with his heart on his sleeve and got the JOINT MOM ( 10-10) 

          Y - "Fergie" Cardy -  Where do we start ? Never ever has anyone witnessed so much " PASSION,ANGER & DESIRE in the space of 45 seconds as we witnessed during the last game. I was next to Yeatser when No 9 attempted a back pass to Hancock which was intercepted by the opposition and the loon was through on goal only for Hancock to produce a great save and rather than pick it up and slow things down he launched the ball at neck height to Chopper resulting in putting his team under more pressure. Well this was enough for the Y-man to produce a "Fergie" and launch his bottle of water to the ground with so much force that the thing bounced 10 feet in the air and he exploded it was like standing next to a bomb, OOOF I thought he was going to burst a blood vessel or 6, anyhoo on the 46th second peace was restored to the Elite and the Y-man came back to earth ( Buzz Light- Year nae half) Who would want to be a Manager ???? To be fair he played  magic on the night and it was magic to see him in action. 

Well done " Fergie" ( 11 - 10) 

On the side - Big G our very own "stovies" man turned up and said he would write the report but he failed to do so ? Nice to see you again Big G and I hope to see you soon. Good luck with the Roustabout thing top tip if you need a reference ask the Chairman.  

So all in all it was a good night for the NEFC and they sit top of the table and look to finish the year on a high. Some of the Elite went back to the Ranches for a pint or three and a bowl or 6 of chips. The spirits were high and the boys were in good fettle as the piss was extracted from each other. If you ever order chips make sure that the man with many names is nae next to you or you will have no chance getting one. At one point noted & mentioned by Y-Cardy he had THOUSANDS of them in his CHIP HOLE at once. The Elite need to get back into the habbit of going for a pint as they always have a laugh and thinking back to Yeatser team talk " Have Fun Boys" it was a fitting end to the night. 

Note next week is the last week as we enter the holiday season so make sure you are up for it boys, come along and support the NE in numbers. 

PS we are going to try and sort oot a golf Christmas day / night oot.

AWUGA.

Posted by dubainefc at 7:56 PM

Updated: Saturday, 22 November 2008 8:06 PM

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink