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Northern Express
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
NE Team Management


First of all a big thank you for the effort again last night. The standings haven’t been posted yet, but hopefully a total of 7 points will be enough to keep us in Division 2. It is a tough division and there are some tidy teams in it. We definitely don’t have any divine right to be there, but we are, and it is all down to the effort of the squad.

This then leads me onto my next few points.

As you all know this is a 5 a side league where we normally have a minimum of 10 guys showing up each week (although the first week I came along on my tod, there were only 5!!!). Only 8 can get stripped so ultimately each week at least a couple of guys will be disappointed and left on the sidelines.

A few things that need to be said though going forward:

1)    If you have announced you are available to play, you must be fully fit to play. If you feel you will not be 100% fit, don’t say you are available for selection. This is unfair on the guys left out and is unfair on the squad on a whole. It lets everyone down.

2)    Everyone willing to play should be at the pitch at least 15 mins prior to kick off. The strips will be handed out exactly 15 mins prior to KO and if you are not there, you won’t be selected. End of...

To my understanding, the whole “Northern Elite” deal, was down to a bunch of lads generally from the North East of Scotland coming along for a good crack and to support the guys that are playing. If you are selected to play then great. If you are not, you are expected to give 100% support to the lads that are.

Unfortunately for me, the only chance I ever had of getting involved with the NE is to stand on the sidelines as I am not built to play (to quote Minty “I am not overweight, I am just under height”).

I am absolutely delighted to be involved with you guys. I really enjoy it. The only really bad thing for me is letting people down by either not getting guys stripped or not playing them. I understand I am not there to be popular but in the same token, I am not there to piss people off. If that happens, I would rather spend my Tuesday nights in with the missus having the very occasional shag and let someone else pick the team.

To stay in the 2nd division, or even to move into the 1st, there needs to be hard decisions made on selections. People will get upset but it is not personal and I don’t ever want people thinking that. Decisions are made on the night for the good of NE not to keep everyone happy.

If the purpose of the NE is to give all the guys a run out every week and to change the team around for the sake of it, then get used to Divisions 4/5/6  guys because that is where we will end up and stay. I know for a fact that you guys don’t want that and I certainly don’t.

So I guess the purpose of the whole rant was to try and lay my cards on the table. I am a reasonably honest guy and will tell people straight up what I am thinking. I don’t have a problem with anyone doing the same to me in fact I would encourage it, whether it be through email, phone or next time you see me.

Feel free to air any thoughts you have.

Posted by dubainefc at 9:21 PM
Updated: Wednesday, 18 March 2009 9:28 PM
Sunday, 8 March 2009
NE promoted

Hello NE,


As we sat there at the Belgian Cafe on Friday drinking some dodgy strong beer and toasting our nappers on the terrace for big Grifters 35th, Lance Gingestrong aka the Thunderbird puppet Jane Fonda dancer from Nelsons bar took out his dingleberry and looked up the soccer dubai website.


We were stunned to see the NE are up boys, 1 goal squeezed us in and league 2 fittie is on for this week.


Superb news, see league table below.


Division 3







The Playas Club







Northern Elite







Real Bad






Posted by dubainefc at 9:11 PM
Updated: Wednesday, 18 March 2009 9:17 PM
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Team Standing

Division 3


KO 20:15



Northern Elite


eFreight Goblins


Wilson's Warriors


Real Bad


The Playas Club




Hello Elite,


OK so last week was a disappointment lads but 1 defeat in 8 games is nothing to be down about and we proved that we can handle the top two divs nae problem.


Lack oh goals cost us boys but each game was tighter than Gordon Strachans arse but loads of encouraging signs for the team as we move forward.  


So Tuesday night is almost here & the Elite are in Div 3 ( Top just now keep it that way) -  Middle Shift 8 .15 kick off. We play 3 in a row, wee break than we play the Goblins.  I see our old pals Real Bad are back into the 3rd so it should be a good night.


Who's up for the fitba on Tuesday, I'm pretty sure the Feather is out of town as is Beatlemania but what about the rest ?


I'm looking for Terry A, Sido, Y-Cardy or (Val Mubers) & Deeply Dippy to make an appearance.  


Mon the Elite, Mon


PS big shout to Iain Mearns boys I've heard fae Mearnsie this week and he's still trying to keep up to speed with us & the e-mails but he's been busy busy working + his second child is just a kick in the arse away from making an appearance.  So Fit Like Mearnsie nice to know your still alive son. 



Posted by dubainefc at 12:01 AM
Thursday, 12 February 2009

P 4 W 0 D 4 L 0 = 4 points 


0-0- 1-1 - 0-0 - 0-0 ( A think )


My first foray into the world of sportswriting and it has to be said , the jokes will come easy after beavis` performance last night . Division 2 a bit tougher than previous , fitter lads , good shape to the other teams but all in all I think the Elite done us proud ,  i was standin on the touchline a` pigeon chested at the displays fae the lads . Well done boys , great display .


So lets move onto Beavis . The boy can run , nae doot aboot that . the boy can jump , nae doot aboot that .  Can the boy shit his shorts at the slightest hint of confrontation ? my maid `ll testify tae that een . Can the boy actually play fitba ? No fuckin chance was the shout fae the chairman . Jimbo`s actually researching synchronised trampolining teasm fae down under as he`s sure beavis is more suited to this .........attached a few pictures of the boy wonder in action . To be fair , he ran his heart oot for the elite last night , never gave up and scored the only goal , so fae me and a`body else beavis , top show . 


Last night the Chairman was seeing red after the referee , an extra fae charlie and the chocolate factory , was heard to shout in Jimbo`s direction " CAN YOU KICK THE BALL BACK SHORTY "  at which point I turned roon and didnae see onybody , but the chairman looked the guy square in the knees and called him a cheeky little cunt , quality !!!!!!!! ( I said i widnae mention it jim , but tough shit !!!!). I think its been said before , but the squad of boys we have now is only going to get stronger as the team develops and understands everyones playing style , although stephen feckin hawkins will never understand beavis` playing style .


So into Div 2 the Elite went for the first time in a while and they carried themselves with dignity and aplomb , pigeon chest at the ready ...............


Game 1 -  Up against a fit looking opposition , started spritely and won possession all over the park . had the opposition chasing shadows for most of the game , cant really remember hancock having to make a save , although he did have me and shando shakin oor heids on the sidelines a few times with his distribution . Should have ran out winners in this game easy , but first game in Div 2 we would have maybe accepted a point . Played some great fitba and sid again never put a foot wrong , always steadies the ship , passes and moves , great interchanges wi him and marbler deserved 2 points for the elite , but 1 was accepted graciously .   0-0 


Game 2 - The DJ`s this time , and what a prize wank that danny neville is , im going to phone in his radio station the day and tell him he`s a walloper !!!!!!!! Anyhoo , game started well again , plenty of running aff the ba , looking up , good distribution and lo and behold we get a free kick jist ootside the box ( cue chopstix runnin` 20 yards pointing and screamin` " IT WIS OOTSIDE , IT WIS OOTSIDE "  .......the ref calmly lowered his hand to calm him down ( or he wis trying to find the feckin volume ) and awarded the free kick . Step up beavis , never any doubt who was takin it ......positioned the ball , had a look , shoot .....scores !!!!!!!!!! how he found a gap through 4 bodies i`ll never know , but 1 up we went . 3 mintues to go and we lost a sloppy goal , back post header of all , there teams movment was good and we maybe got suckered to near post , but credit to the boy he finished well with the header . 1-1 . Got to add that they`re teams defender , the boy wi the goatee , nae idea fit he wis on aboot all night , he spoke in an accent that marble man would struggle wi , didnae like the look o this boy and widnae mind a crack at him next week !!!!!!!!!! TWAT !!!!!!!!


Game 3 - Another game where the opposition seemed to be content with a draw , and the elite did`nt want to give anything away . Sid had a golden opporchancity to bury it fae 14 inches oot but put it over , better luck next time sidney !!!!!!!This was also the game with the infamous incident involving beavis , never seen someone go into there shell so quick , apart fae my terrapins in the villa , you should have gotten in aboot him beavis , maverick/griftario on the sidelines would have backe dyou up a the way min ...............you did actually leave a bronze 2 pence in your shorts tho` , dinna deny it !!!!! Either that or you sat in a mars bar , one of the 2 .......

0-0 fair result i think


Game 4 - grinded out another draw , these clowns were a team of ballerinas , satchmo gettin involved wi there guy at the back for keepin a haud o the ba , satch flicks it oot his hands and tries to get it in play , cue squaring up on the touchline in athing , wis itchin to run on ina . The resultant free kick was taken quickly and satch buried it ............in the sand behind the goals !!!!!!!! reminiscent of beavis` warm up attempts .......I think again to be fair , honest result .



DIV 2 Summary -  The standard is higher and the opposition is bigger and fitter. The Elite are in good shape and with the best team picked for next week I can see us challenging for the trophy in 3 weeks time , nae borra . 




  1. Hancock -  Good night between the sticks fae the big man , solid saves when needed , although we need to talk to him more during the games as hes ayewis in 2 minds aboot pickin up the ba or puntin it . great distribution on the night .............for an elevens game !!!!!!! well done hancock , 9 -10
  2. Tinman - Great performance from the Tinners , marshalled well in every game he played in , broke forward a few times aswell which is what were looking for big man . Good distribution fae the back ina . 9-10 
  3. Count Normski - I love him , i can see us growin auld witchin corrie every night wi wur chips on TV trays ....The wee man just never gives up , plays for everything and brings a certain calm and flair to the team ( fin he`s nae bawlin like a feckin banshee at abody aroond him ) played some lovely fitba on the night and close to the MOTM . 9 and a half-10
  4. Marble Man - I widnae mind jist one o his lungs , let alone 2 .......this boy is unbelievable , covered every blade of grass on the pitches last night , linked up well wi sid in midfield and if it wisnae for a fantastic save fae the opposition keeper in the 3rd game would have been awarded goal of the season .........traps the ba on his right knee , swivels and shoots fae all of 20 yards wi his left peg , dipping all the way with pace , only for the keeper to get a fingertip to it and touch it over.........I dont mind admitting this got me sexually aroused ........no-one deserves MOTM more marbler , great effort pal . 10-10
  5. Sid the Sexist - Sid is showing his class week in week out now , link up play is tremendous , always has a foot on the ball , very rarely wastes possession and fights for everything . Should have bagged another goal on the night , think he wis a bit concerned maybe twisting his ankle before the RAK half marathon ( poof ) . Absolute class , if it wisnae for marbleers running and effort , you were MOTM sid . 9and a half - 10
  6. Chesney  - First time for the griftario seing chessers in action and i must admit i was impressed with his cool head at the back . Easy football fae the dude and a reliable and fit addition to the squad , and a good voice on the sidelines when he wisnae playing , ats fit its a aboot boys . 9-10 
  7. Satchmo -  The oldest legs oot there ( probably oot o a the pitches ) but the coolest head , hes got a great fitba brain has oor satch and he showed it again last night . kept his cool when bams were trying to hide the ba fae him , and almost scored fae a free kick 4 yards oot but blasted it high . Another sterling performance fae satchmo , a message to the young uns - listen to kev on the park , take heed of what hes telling you and you cannae fail . 9-10
  8. Beavis - Well , what can we sday about the lad thats not already been written . His warm up was worth the pitch fee itself , weaving back and forth , stretching the hips , mini sprints ,  stretches ........fuck me it wis like watchin a jane fonda workoot video !!!! then the shooting practice , well i think he was intentionally aiming for the tennis nets behind the practice goal , jist finding his range for the all important searching pass . ........started the first game and ran his heart ooot , chased everything down , never gave up on a ba , linked up well all night , a few mare weeks and i think we`ll start to see the best of beavis ( although jim did say the same a few weeks back !!!!! ) and scored the only goal of the night , which was a pearler free kick . Apart fae shitting himsel in the 3rd game , an all round solid performance fae the man they call beavis ( need to earn th lionel tag pal ) . 9and a half -10



On the side, 
Grifter, No9,Chairman Jimbo,Feather .


A rousing speech fae the feather before the first game , really got the lads up for it and common sense prevailed . Was standing open mouthed at the phrases he was using , felt like an englishamn in new york . Best comment on the night , well it was a toss up between the refs comment to Chairman or No 9 , but ive already mentioned the refs comment so No 9 wins it .........as we were watching beavis do his warm up , No 9 turned to the griftario and said , after another shot hit the tennis nets , " FUCK ME , IVE BEEN DRAPPED FIR THAT SHITE " ........." AM NAE COMING BACK IF THATS THE PISH WERE FIELDING ".....I thought my punts wud never dry .........


So next week will need the same commitment and effort fae the lads , push for Div1 and the hallowed trophy to play for . Great turn out lads , keep it going for the rest of the season .


I'm looking forward to next week already and the arrival of Minty & Piries...... 
Onwards & Upwards, 




Posted by dubainefc at 12:01 AM
Wednesday, 21 January 2009

P 4 W 1 D 2 L 1 = 4 points

1-0- 2-2 - 2-3 - 2-2 ( cana mind the scores) 

WELL WELL WELL what a week that was eh! AFC humping Cetlic 4 -2, Kaka's 100 million pound on / off saga, Tango Man touted as the next manager oh the Northern Elite, new manie in the white house & NEFC promoted to Div 3 !!!!  None of these " Headlines" come close to the news MR SCOTTY MATHEWS aka  one oh the fellas  fae right said FRED made his debut last night  for the now Legendary Northern Elite FC and boy oh boy he had the side lines DEEPLY DIPPY with his performance !

 YES Sportsfans today's report is all about Scotty Mathews after months of chasing the signature of our very own Kaka  the Chairman along with the help from the man oh many names finally managed to get the soon to be "40" year old along to the FITBA. I think it's only fair that his new nickname is KAKA.  I hope you enjoy the pictures, attached.

 Last night the Chairman was seen & heard singing " Only One Scotty Mathews" and jumping about like a dafty when he set eyes on his old friend stripped and ready for action, although there was a bit of muted feeling in the squad the Chairman was delighted to see that, at last, the Northern Elite FC are starting to see signs of the hard work that the board have been putting in over the last 3 months is starting to come through. Last night you could see that there is a new look to the NE playing staff that sets them up nicely for the future. It's always hard getting the right balance to a squad but perhaps now with the younger elite coming through mixed with the old guard the Club is in good hands...... You only have to look at the promotions they have achieved and the smiles on the players faces recently to see how far they have come.

 So into Div 3 the Elite went for the first time in a while and they certainly raised a few eyebrows in game 1 and had the rest of the Div looking hard over their shoulders.

 Game 1 -  Up against a new look Real Bad they were well up for it, but the Elite performed magnificently and played some great fitba and had the guffies on the back foot and playing dirty, prompting the shout fae the Chairman you "DIRTY ENGLISH WANKER" oof you should have seen the refs coupan and surprise surprise the NE got nothing the rest of the game, I was half expecting to see the Chairman sent to the stands but hey ho he escaped because he was hiding behind the GRIFTER. Anyhoo the Elite went on to win this game 1-0 I think.

Game 2 - Up against Spillage Idiots - Same feeling to this game and these loons were up for it an ah, the Elite played some good fitba and walked of with a draw. Like game two it was niggly and things are heating up in Div 3.

Game 3 - Up against - Club 51 true to form our French bogey team did it again and walked off the park smiling after turning the elite over, in a game they should never have won.

 Game 4 - Up against Seven Wanderers -  Good match and these fellas were like in the first 2 games well up for it and to be fair a draw was probably a fair result.

 DIV 3 Summary -  The standard is higher and the opposition is bigger and fitter. The Elite are in good shape and with the best team picked for next week will be ok.


999 -  Hard night for the 999 and apart from one good save in the first match I think he had a poor night, I'm sure by his own admission he would agree. 4 -10

Chopper - Magic performance from the Big Chopper, in every game he played a blinder, it was good to see Ryan back playing after an extended Christmas holiday and he never put a foot wrong. In the past he's been close to my Man oh the Match and last night he nailed it well done Chopper 10-10.

Count Normski - The wee fella loves playing for the Elite and he ran his heart oot last night, I think it's only fair to mention his fresh air lashes at an imaginary fitba but he's excused as he played through the pain barrier and the Elite always look a better team when he's in it. 9-10

Marble Man - Yeh ha oor very own unique conversationalist was back and it was fantastic to see him, it's not a problem that his team mates and sidelines have no idea what he's on aboot Marbler lets his feet do the talking, if it was not for Ryans performance he would have been MOM, great performance Ter and I hope your back next week. 9-10

Sid the Sexist - Another new face to the Elite and part of the youth policy which will stand the club in good stead for the future the Sid monster sporting his sexy lycra all in one played magic and scored a "lucky" goal.  I like this player a lot and as time goes by he can only get better, he can play a bit and he's a cheeky ........ an ah sounds like an Elite player to me.  Well done min 91/2 - 10

Mr.Greedy - Hard night for the Shando and I think his noodle is somewhere else just now but at times he did the easy stuff well and put his weight & arse into some good tackles, not sure if it was him or Beavis that scored one of the goals as they were locked together like a pair more suited to "strictly come duncin" end result goal. Well done min 7-10

BEAVIS - Now where do you start with this fella oor Beavis played some good fitba and showed heaps oh energy, like Sid he can only get better with games. I think he fancies his chances as the " Drfiters" apprentice and I've attached a T-shirt for him to put on on Thursday night. This fella has a long way to go to get close to some of the past masters i.e, Lazer, Pirie etc but I think the young pretender is up for the challenge, god help him but he's a welcome addition to the squad.  9-10 well done min.

KAKA -  Yes last but by no means least, what a debut from the KAKA man 1 goal, 2 assists & covered 55 miles from the now legendary and ELITES OLDEST PLAYER ( you have nae idea how happy Satchmo is about this, what am I saying off course you do) well done Scotty, the inspiration for the headline the presence and influence of KAKA had this journalist asking is he too sexy for this league? Now after the first report of the season we predicted that the Elite would be playing "sexy fitba" and last night in places the team showed it, I put this down to Kaka and I cana wait for him to team up with his pal fae Hilton Y-Cardy. Nice one Scotty boy and welcome to the Elite 9 3/4 - 10

On the side,

Satchmo, Grifter, No9, ( Text Sex Ritchie magic to see him support the NE) and the Chairman, good crack on the sidelines and lots of encouragement handed out to the palyers. Subs were a bit strange and this need to be sorted oot. Next week the Chairman & Big G are on the line and I'm sure it will be better. Nae chance nae hearing the Chairman & nae chance nae seeing Big G .It's both encouraging and enjoyable to see more people taking an interest and supporting the club. At the end of the day it's all about having a laugh and as the Elite continues to grow and more and more people getting involved in the fitba and social scene ( big thanks to Drifter) I see 09 being well, to quote Vinny " EMOTIONAL"

So back to the ARGC for a shandy and 10 bowls oh chips, getting burned by the big Boonsen Burners and a giggle, good to see more of the Elite make an effort. The highs for me was Normskis face when he clocked more peole arrive, you could feel his pain at the thought oh sharing his 10 bowls oh Jockies, Yeatser would have loved it. AND when Beavis was asked just why is that you call Handsome DRFITER he replied eh is that nae his name, priceless !

 Yeh Ha Beavis is mental and it cracked me up when  he tried to justify getting his wires crossed by saying wait for this " I thought it was because of the way (GRIFTER)- DRIFTS through defences "f..k me I almost choked on my fried tatties. Some Man Beavis stick close to the big man on Thursday, but my money is on you being in a taxi by half time...... PS you need a T-shirt like this it's your only hope getting a trap when your oot with the Grifter & Cooper.......

I'm looking forward to next week already and the arrival of Minty & Piries......Onwards & Upwards,

The Absconder

Posted by dubainefc at 12:01 AM
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
Rashid School for Roasting

Your favorite sons were back and back with a bang, with the email banter flowing in the run up to the game and an expected squad of 108 it was always going to be one of those nights for the mighty Elite. Having arrived early with the Chairman following a conference call with his good friend and my 2nd cousin twice removed completely, John 'Celtic Legend' Hewitt it was business as usual, squad of 363 now at bare bones with The Chairman and Raving Reporter Normski Hewitt on there jacker till at least ten to 8 followed by a steady flow of your favorite warriors on the horizon, cant remember exact number of lads available but no where near the 461 expected, however the lads braved the cold winter breeze and the banter began.

First out the tracks the two 'midget wrestlers' attacking The Big Grifter Orangutan, body blows to the big man appeared to hinder this slender built unit in later games and possibly even caused amnesia (more later).New faces appeared as the mighty NE added another PRO to the team…'HELLO' ..to Michael L Ritchie (does the L mean Lionel), yes folks the list of ex PRO's becoming endless with fans favorite  Y cardy ex Dundee/Huntly/Peterheed, Minty Ex Factor, we welcome Michael L Ritchie fresh from the Ozzie 'soccer'/fitba league, nae sure fa he actually played for but we'll call them Fair Dinkum United and carry on, this quiet lad will slip in well to the Elite, nae one to start rumors but supposedly ‘Lionel is getting paid for playing we the NE’  Chairman Simm made no comment when asked!!! More on the new email enthusiast later. Also a big shout to Sid how joined the lads last night, a great find from the big Grifter/My Hero and sure he’ll gain a nickname or two once he settles in. 

With minutes to go and Fergie roaring oot the orders in a ventriloquist style through Jimmer, the lads took to the field, with a massive support of 3 behind them. 

Scores on the night…I think- W-1 L-2 D-1, League finishing position- 


Hancock- Worried ealry on when the bumble bee couldnae find his dons top but this man shows no fear and played withoot it, he's not only the star of ‘Baker Monthly’ but also a great shot stopper, keepers rarely get the credit they deserve and this report no different. Kept Elite in it several times and made the stops when required just as keepers should, never at fault for goals- 9/10

Count Norman/Reardon/Pitch/Sleeves- Not my greatest night and with highlight 'pulling a boys sleeve' think that says enough 6/10 although i was related to John Hewitt for 28years- 7/10

Satch-Where do you start, again the oldest man ‘alive’ sorry playing but the man is like a really ‘auld’ Maldini, never a foot wrong, plays 5's the way it should, simple passes keeps it tight and playing alongside him i never seen a stray pass, seriously boys thought Satchmo was outstanding, he's a credit to the old gaurd and a stalwart. NE looked a team when he stepped on the park and here's hoping we get another season or two out those legs 10/10

Grifter/Dib Dabs/Orangutan-Think the physical assault from the munchkins may have affected the big man late in the games, cannot knock this mans effort though and his commitment to the cause is second to none. He's a gentle giant in my eyes, not only did he nae kill us for attacking him but he even gies attackers a couple o yards heid start,he normally does catch them though so think Jimmers attack on him actually lost Elite a goal in second game, hang yer heid in shame Jim. Grifter The best thrower o a golf ba ever- 8/10

No 9- He jist disnae stop running!!! Superb when called for Lee, yer a credit to yer old man fa can run for fun, and Edser fa once run (a bath), torn in and battled hard on a difficult night, as for the outburst at the end towards the gaffer and his running skills we'll just put that doon to the excitement o the jockies whips at the bar- 8/10

Shando-With a difficult break up between himsel and the cool box who've been together since early 2008, Gogs showed this was'nt to affect his night and slotted into several positions on Tuesday, canna mind if ye nicked a goal but canna mind the scores either-8/10

Simon ‘Sid’ Sherriffs- New face to NE and a cracking debut, you can always tell a fitba player and fan Sid turned up we one o those lycra vest things that Hancock wears I thought he was mare an aerobics teacher than a fitba player…how wrong I was. Sid’s debut was superb and he slotted in to NE like he had been there for years, power of work in midfield and never put a foot wrong, with the glitz and glamour surrounding The Ozzie Legend, Sid came through with flying colours, perfect start to a new NE career- 9.5/10

Lionel/Beavis/Pele/Joe Mangle-Far do you start, the new NE Star had mare pressure on him than my good pal Becks last week, spoke to the legend Lionel before the game and confidence oozed from the showman, in between sending emails Lionel warmed up and looked impressive from the off...a definite starter in game 1. ‘Hello’ it is him we’re looking for…BANG Goal, two minutes in and a goal from NE newest star, the sideline was ‘dancing on the ceiling’ and more expected from Lionel, I could go on with this performance but seeing yesterdays emails I think Lionel ,may send his ane report and 10/10 expected. Seriously though great start from another debutant and will take time to settle to this strange 5 asides, sure the emails will follow from him and welcome on board-9/10 

Summary- Elite had a tough night and for a change started brightly but faded towards the end, big guns expected back in coming weeks and Y Cardy/Clark Kent/Chopper 1 will bring the best out the NE once again. Without taking any limelight away fae Lionel, my favorite tale of the night is my hero Orangutan Grifter losing his way, on route to the Ranches ‘home of Elite’ Jimmer gets a text from The G Unit- ‘wrang turn on route’ turns oot the stand in Cadbury’s Dairy Milk drummer took the rang road to his home golf club where he is seen daily, shout fae Jimmer (nae me) ‘what a big useless Orangutan’…..

Posted by dubainefc at 12:01 AM
NE Nicknames

Hello NE,


Good night overall lads, only 3 points but 2 more additions to the squad list (both players slotted in well) and many laughs had up at the Rashid School and the Ranches GC.


However this nickname issue for Mr Ritchie the e-mail fanatic...........listen I have saw pictures of Pele, have watched Pele play on TV, have read many articles on the man, the only thing in common I can see with Ritchie is they both have 2 eyes!!!


So a new nickname is surely needed more in line with the NE spirit, I thought of a Mr Man, “Mr Modest”, then the “Stalker” due to quantity of e-mails he sends out, or “Ronaldo the Slave” as we cannot afford to pay him to play for the NE...............


However after consultation with the Chairman check out the pic below lads that were there last night, it’s a dead ringer for our new boy Ritchie and a far more suitable name for the new NE player. I suggest we drop the Pele lads before it sticks, and BEAVIS could be the name of our new modest-stalking-slave-superstar. All suggestions for other new names are welcome (Sid you will get a name soon as well mate).  

Posted by dubainefc at 12:01 AM
Wednesday, 7 January 2009

P 3 W 1 D 2 = 6 points ( one no show)


3-2 - 0-0 0-0 ( no defeats)


Happy New Year Sports Fans, my, my, my, where has the time gone ? Our heroes the MIGHTY NORTHERN ELITE FC are now into their 6th Year and after last night performance the Elite are looking " OLDER" than ever....


Fat Boy Sim

Formed in 2003 the Elite decided to roll back the years last night and take to the field in their Original PFS Kit... It was a wee bit sad that no one from PFS turned up to witness it. Prompting the shout from the Chairman  " I can't wait for Hamish Munro to come back  he would have been here! 


In a week that has brought a new year, a new reporter for the Elite, the launch of King Joeys book (The Elite are in it) A change in name for one of the players / manager & 2 fitba teams mincing about Dubai who I would like to add could never in 100 years come close to generating the excitement that was witnessed at the Al Rasher School for mannies last night!! Sorry boys but hang yer heeds in shame, but hey at least your all now good at MEXICAN WAVES!!!


Here we go: Watching the Elite get stripped last night I could not help thinking, jesus it's like a scene fae DADS ARMY but hey ho little did I know that this team wearing Red & Black stripes would put on a performance that would have made old Captain Manering proud. My headline for this article was inspired by the old kit and big grifters clobber only thing the big man was missing was " bleached jeans" frayed of course, & a "Deer Stalker Hat"


The Elite were in high spirits and the crack was flowing as each player was embraced by the Chairman well almost every player he was scared to hug big Grifter as the Chairman is the same size as his new lass and was scared he tried to stick the lips on him if he got too close !! It was magic to see the boys together again & after managing to get lost both Clark Kent & The Beetle Monster made it just in time for the start. PS the Chairman deserves an award last night for giving his cousin the shoes aff his feet so he could play, but I think it was an excuse as I could hear the Chairman saying " Thank F--K you made it"


Chairman's "Golden Balls" Squad


  • Grifter on his arseThe Grifter - Ooof where do you start with the big man he's reached legendary status with his Elite chums and last night he proved why. This man would play anywhere for NEFC but I'm nae sure if in Goals is the best place for him. He did pull aff some magic saves last but I'm nae sure if he meant them? As you know he's in LOVE & maybe has old Cupid on his mind ( nae the old een in Aberdeen but that was quality an ah)  when the big "puddock" in the 2 game slipped Satchmo & Jeffo to be straight through on goals he was stopped by the Grift but did he save it or was the striker struck by one oh Cupids Arrows resulting in him blasting it straight at the Grift ?  Anyhoo the big man had a decent night at the back and I he never had much chance with the 2 goals. He did have his team howling with laughter at the quality of his distribution but all in all - 10-10 Equal Man oh the Match.


  • Jeffo " U5 Utility" Strachan -  Yeh Ha for the Jeffo what a star he is for his club, one of the original elite and founding fathers the wee feather is nothing short of remarkable considering his AGE! Fantastic performance again fae the feather last night, marshaled his team and made some important tackles when needed. It could have been a different story last night without him. The Elite always love it when the Feather is around and last night he was Amazing. He had his team mates scrambling aboot looking for his car keys only to have him himself I put it down to fatigue. I would bet my right testicle that the wee man is hurting the day, when he left the ARGC last night he was like a buckled wheel 10-10 Equal Man oh the Match


  • Tin Man -  Big Tinners takes a fair amount oh stick fae his Northern Chums but I think deep down he can feel the love, superb shift the "Stork Man" last night and he reminded me that he scored one of the goals in the first game, important goal an ah. Like the rest of the team last night he put in a solid battling performance and his contribution help secure no defeats for the Elite last night -  10 - 10 Equal Man oh the Match


  •  Satchmo -  It's been said before and it will be said again he is the oldest man in the squad but he's still magic. Took one in the jewels for his team in the first game which had he Chairman thinking " Why did I give up my boots" only to see the Satchmo recover and say "get me back in it"  Yas min it was stirring stuff. Like Jeffo he's one oh the founding fathers and like the rest of the team last night battled hard for the club and did the easy stuff well, solid link up with his team mates and stuck his napper in at some vital times. 10 - 10 Equal Man oh the Match


  • No 9 -  Deserves a special note on this report as this was the best we have see Brucey Baby play for YEARS, Strip doon memory lane nae half. No 9 is one oh the Original Elite and last night he was back to his teenage years and ran his heart oot, I could not help but notice the Chairman saying " f--k me min your fitness is BACK" well done last night wee man you would have made your old pal Pirie proud, key man last night did everything right. 10 - 10 pal Equal Man oh the Match.


  • Clark Kent -  Fantastico  performance fae the TA scored 2 great goals in the first game to help secure the 3-2 victory and again like the rest oh the boys put in a solid shift and even managed to keep his cool when the french stick bounced the dazzie aff his noodle. I put it down to the Chairman's boots but I'm sure he will have a different story. El Tel only has 3 months left in Dubai and will be missed by his team mates when he leaves but we have 3 more months to watch the blind man in action. 10 - 10 Equal Man oh the Match.


  • Last but by no means least - The Beetle Monster once known as Big G & Fergie.  Ok boys firstly big shout out to the Beetle man for bringing his boots and turning out for the Elite, I think and I could be wrong sports fans but I witnessed one of the funniest performances for the Elite in years and also witnessed a half man half beetle fall in love with the Northern Elite and understand what this fitba club is all about. For the missing Elite you missed a great show last night fae the Beetle Monster. At times you could see glimpses of the Beetle mans quality and with a few more weeks I don't think we will be laughing. The Beetle has MASSIVE potential to be a weapon for the Elite and we so a glimpse of if it when he fired in a rocket fae 25 yards that just missed. Anyhow I'm sure you are wondering why Beetle so here goes. In the second game the Big Beetle decided to get sooked into the play only to realise that he has to now back track FAST. For those that mind the Chairman's 45 deg run 6 YEARS AGO it was the same but in reverse gear. Anyhoo the laws of gravity one the battle and big G folded like a cheap tent and was on his arse with his legs and arms in the air with the sound of laughter fae the Elite in his lugs. Picture a big beetle on it's back trying like ..... to get up and your close ( I've attached a picture ). It goes on. Once the Beetle man corrected his hulk like frame and made it back on his tootsies he shouts to the Feather " Where is my cover" Now it was a bit chilly last night & I thought he was wanting a blanket but no I think he forgot  he was playing 5's & that HE WAS THE COVER... MAGICO and I hope he comes back as a player as the Beetle man is now a LEGEND with the Elite. 11 - 10 BEETLE OH THE MATCHO


So Sports Fans we look forward to 2009 with joy in our hearts and a spring in our steps as can the Northern Elite FC. They     are set up for promotion next week and should have a larger squad to pick from to help them secure it. It was a fantastic performance from the old guard last night and will long be remembered.


To end the report 4 Elite headed back for a shandy & some jockies whips last night and true to form it was The Feather, The Chairman, N0 9 & Satchmo. I witnessed the boys crying with laughter at some of the stories & burning their noodles on the big Boonsen Burner things and as ever almost every subject was covered in the space of 1 hour ( I always find it amazing how they manage it)  It would be good to see more boys make the effort for a laugh after the games & The Feather shout of the Media Rottana is worth a scan, so make the effort boys it's good to laugh.


All the best for 09

The Absconder

Posted by dubainefc at 11:49 AM
Updated: Wednesday, 14 January 2009 12:04 PM
Wednesday, 24 December 2008
Northern Elite back up to Division 4!

See below the last league table for 2008, we are back up to league 4. We won 2 games very convincingly and lost the last one very convincingly. One team no show so W3 L1 D0, 6 points on the night.

New coachio Graeme Smith got a taste of the Northern Elite and the 5’s, and he had a very successful opening night, nice one.  

Division 5












Northern Elite






Dodgy Builders












Clyde & Co.






See you all next year if not before, Merry Xmas.

p.s. Tues 6th Jan is the first night of the 5’s again I think.

Ho ho ho,


Posted by dubainefc at 6:59 PM
Thursday, 20 November 2008

P 3 W 2 D 0 L 1 = 6 points ( 1 no show) 

...Sports Fans, yes you have guessed it after 2 weeks away your favourite reporter is back and  what I witnessed on Tuesday night from our heroes was " SPECIAL" 

In a week that has witnesses more highs and lows than a "Torry crack hoose" the Northern Elite produced a legendary performance that would surely put a smile on their Old & New Managers faces. Yes sports fans I'm pleased to report that Graeme "Smithy" Smith or soon to be known as ALEX has accepted the role as COACHIO for the NEFC. If he can produce 1/2 the passion that Interim Coachio Y-Cardy did on Tuesday NIGHT the NE will be in good hands. 

Some of our heroes had recently played at a golf tournament and by the sounds of things the time away from the daily grind of Dubai did them the world of good. So Fresh from their Golfing exploits the NE squad gathered for the early kick off. I was keen to see how the NE would respond to Stand In Gaffer Y- Buzz Light-year Cardy's team talk and this is what I heard,  " Right get F-en stripped" talk about inspiration and passion I was starting to think is this it ? After months of crying like a gut shot indian about having a crack at the coachio role, is this the best team talk that he can come up with. Keep in mind sports fans that he has played for some of the best in the game. Anyhow I then heard the Chairman ask " Is that it min" To be greeted with the reply you get stripped an ah fatty! Talk about job security ooof he must have known it was his job for one night  only. I was thinking jesus Y-Man I hope things are more lively on the pitch ( I was not disappointed) I watched with a smile as "tweedle dee & tweedle dum" were taking the piss and singing songs (it started in the car apparently as Y-man was talking to himself on the phone)  I was encouraged when he said have some FUN boys and play with a smile. 

As  the  boys  got ready for action and could just tell that something special was about to happen and it did but sadly true to form the Elite got off to a slow start I think the team were called fcek ? nae sure what kind of name that is but they had a couple of good players ( keeper was / is a tit ) after 2 great chances which the boys missed and the tit saved I witnessed our boys commit the cardinal sin of leaving space at the back and they banged in two quick goals which they finished well but should never have had. After that things went worse for the Elite as they went 3 down and were starting to get a bit annoyed, This produced the highlight of the game so far for the Elite as our Tinman in a scene suited to Peter Pan did his best to fly up to the top corner to stop going 4 down and did the hand of TIN!  got send off of and gave away a pen. THIS WAS THE KICK UP THE ARSE THE BOYS NEEDED 4 down and the tit keeper shouts " keep going boys goal difference counts, get another 1" So a man down the Elite turn it on and score 2 great goals which had this mob praying for the final whistle but it was not to be and our boys were beat I think 4-2 maybe 5. Next week this mob are going to get hammered and the keeper is a w**k was the shout fae the Chairman.

Anyhoo the troops gathered round and we witnessed the the Y-Man come alive it was like going back in time and being in the company of Winston Churchill as Y-Cardy rallied his troops and sent them oot for the next 2 games.  Which the Elite scored another 6 goals and won in style. I will break down the highlights next to the players below. I cant mind who scored but I'm sure they will let us know. 

          HANCOCK - My My My talk about having confidence in yer keeper ! I've always liked our calypso king in goals and on Tuesday he reminded me why. Jesus our Marv must have been drinking rum before the he came to the fitba. Some of the stuff he was doing reminded me of Bruce Grobblar. He was on the receiving end of a roasting a few times from his gaffer and team mates for what can only be described as suicide fitba. I can report that the Chairman was enjoying it and was doing all that he could to stop laughing as he was running/  rolling. At the end of the night our Marv produced this Black Lycra number and earned himself a new name " HANCOCK" from his team mates. What a night Hancock it's a shame you're in Japan next week. ( 9-10 for entertainment value )  



 Tin Man -  Wow what a night for the big man sometimes the Tinners is stork like when he runs and his sending off in the first game will long be remembered by the Elite ( I wish we had it on film) fantastic performance for the "stork" and in the last game the Elite got a free kick both Chopper 1 and the Chairman were shouting for Yeatser to have a dig only for the "stork" to step up and not for the first time he put it in the top corner which had the keeper well beat and his team mates jumping for joy. What a goal and again wish it was on film. ( 9-10)

Chopper 1 -  Every time I see this mannie play fitba I'm impressed and on Tuesday everything he did was quality he's been very very close to my MOM and I'm pleased to report that this time he got JOINT MOM. SUPERB Stuff Ryan well done ( 10-10) 

The Chairman -  2 weeks in a row the "Fat Controller" has played with his pals and is loving every minute of it. Linked up well with the Y-man and his old mate Satchmo for the best game of the night which was the inspiration form my headline. It was fantastic goal and although his fitness leaves a lot to be desired the Chairman is looking forward to more 1 min super sub roles in the future. He was chuffed to bits that Kev slotted it home but barely had the strength to congratulate him. Did the easy stuff and played with a smile and I think put a few smiles on his team mates face an ah. (9 1/2 - 10) 

Norman, Ray, The Pitch, Chopper 2, Chop Sticks, Rigsby, Toda Taxi, Jnr Hamish, The Count, Hot Lugs, Buzby, Jocky Whips Gobbler: Great performance fae Normski ran his heart oot and played some great fitba, skinned the boy doon the left so many times it was starting to get embarrassing but was a joy to watch. Well done yah dancer ( 9 1/2 - 10) 

No 9 - Wee Lee is a star for the Elite and the way he puts his weight around the pitch is quality. Heap oh running from the Kung Foo man and played well in every game for the troops. I like it when Lee is around and I hope he's back next week. Almost got his arse kicked for a slack back pass fae his gaffer but all in all.( 9-10) 

Satchmo -  Still the oldest member of the squad but his age does not hold him back. Over the years Sathmo has been to the source of a lot of inspiration for the Elite and watching him link up & finish the "move of the year" was the stuff of legends. Always plays with his heart on his sleeve and got the JOINT MOM ( 10-10) 

          Y - "Fergie" Cardy -  Where do we start ? Never ever has anyone witnessed so much " PASSION,ANGER & DESIRE in the space of 45 seconds as we witnessed during the last game. I was next to Yeatser when No 9 attempted a back pass to Hancock which was intercepted by the opposition and the loon was through on goal only for Hancock to produce a great save and rather than pick it up and slow things down he launched the ball at neck height to Chopper resulting in putting his team under more pressure. Well this was enough for the Y-man to produce a "Fergie" and launch his bottle of water to the ground with so much force that the thing bounced 10 feet in the air and he exploded it was like standing next to a bomb, OOOF I thought he was going to burst a blood vessel or 6, anyhoo on the 46th second peace was restored to the Elite and the Y-man came back to earth ( Buzz Light- Year nae half) Who would want to be a Manager ???? To be fair he played  magic on the night and it was magic to see him in action. 

Well done " Fergie" ( 11 - 10) 

On the side - Big G our very own "stovies" man turned up and said he would write the report but he failed to do so ? Nice to see you again Big G and I hope to see you soon. Good luck with the Roustabout thing top tip if you need a reference ask the Chairman.  

So all in all it was a good night for the NEFC and they sit top of the table and look to finish the year on a high. Some of the Elite went back to the Ranches for a pint or three and a bowl or 6 of chips. The spirits were high and the boys were in good fettle as the piss was extracted from each other. If you ever order chips make sure that the man with many names is nae next to you or you will have no chance getting one. At one point noted & mentioned by Y-Cardy he had THOUSANDS of them in his CHIP HOLE at once. The Elite need to get back into the habbit of going for a pint as they always have a laugh and thinking back to Yeatser team talk " Have Fun Boys" it was a fitting end to the night. 

Note next week is the last week as we enter the holiday season so make sure you are up for it boys, come along and support the NE in numbers. 

PS we are going to try and sort oot a golf Christmas day / night oot.


Posted by dubainefc at 7:56 PM
Updated: Saturday, 22 November 2008 8:06 PM

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