Reporter- Tom Chaplin
...here it is, as fresh as yer Aitken's rowies and The Friday P&J job section, The report we'd all been waiting for. Having been ducking and diving away from the report for the past few months, mostly cause it takes ages and secondly the past few months hivnae been as razzamazz as I like to write about, I jumped at the opportunity/ it was lumped on me to write the biggest Report o the season!!! With only two weeks left of the 09 season and Manager number 138 in place, it's with great pleasure I type that a new dawn has broken, light is shining from the end of the tunnel...and Europe/World domination is in site!!!
Rumours early on through the email that the brand new Coachio El Griftario was 'shitting himself' for the evenings games and the possibility off 'doing a Yeatser' (sacked fae the mad Chairman after one week), In fact speaking to the Chairman on the way to the fitba he did tell me 'He's aridy on a shoogly nail'!! No wonder no-one wants this job I thought!!! Having been a little worried by the Chairman's comments and the panic in Grifters voice when I text him in a one to one text that day, I made a quick call to his lovely partner Mel (more on her later), she confirmed the big man even missed Corrie whilst working on tactics and formations....Having hearing this I knew we were in for a new look fresh Elite under our New Leader... Daisy Duke (wait for it lads it's coming)!!!!
PS- For those who did miss Corrie Ken Barlow is a dirty b*st*rd and has run aff we yon Stephanie Beecham who is still looking arite... But enough about that let's crack on with an evening full off FUN! FROLICS!...AND FUNNY FINGER WARM UPS!!!
On arrival to the 'AlRasheed Of Dreams' with the Chairman of the Mighty Northern Elite, we met the man of the moment... The Leader... The Gaffer... The Big Man...The Big Arangitan... There he was the man who the fans will call the Big Messiah.....Grifter. Now you'd think a man of his style class, composure, sexual chemistry that he'd be wearing the latest Prada Suit? Luis Vuiton Slacks and nice pair o white slip ons??...You're wrong, desperate to keep the pressure away from his players in a Mourinhio style, our Glorious leader turned up looking like...yes wait for it........... 'Daisy Fecking Duke'!!! What this man won't do for his team is a wonder to us all, yes sportsfans our new leader arrived oot the General Lee full 'Salmon Pink' checked shirt, all tied in a bonnie bow round the mid-rift!!! Nae the tightest pair o ripped wranglers roond his cracking buns but give the man 10 oot o 10 for trying!!! As a squad member walking to the theatre I seen teams quivering at this mans stature, I knew then and only then...The Elite had the leader they all wanted.
As time drew on the masses arrived to see what the Messiah Duke had in store for us. Firstly thank feck he got changed, at one point I overheard a squad player say ' he looks like a stretched oot Bruno in yon get up'
With Bubbles and the Retired Fairmer on the scene and Tinners already trying to hide fae takin the cool box the mighty Elite began to get stripped, Even Beavis's arrival was greeted with a cheer as he was owe me £63.40 in deeerhams!!!
Now as I type this I still have a slight nervous twitch, a strange bizarre memory... its like fan yer uncle crept in yer bed at night fan ye were 7!! That kind oh 'what the f**k' hazy memory, but what unfolded in the team talk and warm up obviously worked in fact it worked a treat and here's hoping it's a weekly ritual.....
As our leader Dukes Den gathered the squad round we needed guidance, we needed a new spark after weeks off bewilderment and torture, with the new gaffer we were treated to exactly what was required, This was'nt about 8men playing for pride or playing for the fans on the sidelines or the Worldwide Elite we so dearly miss....as our new leader brought us closer he roared what we all needed to hear before every kick off....IF YIS WIN AHH FOUR GAMES..I'LL GIE YE A GO AT MEL!!!! The roar went up and the eight warriors (slipped that in Grifter) strolled off to their own warm up. Now this is fan the weird shit kicked in??? Again the Duke of Earl called us in for pre match team warm up, looking like a Beechwood Foundation Gym Class the big Daffy Duke told us all to stick oor fingers in the ground, now this may not sound funny or even strange but for all those 8 lads out there in front of all our pals and other teams, we looked feckin ridiculous...but hey as the report flows below, it obviously worked and I for one am at the front of that funny fecking queue fingering thing next week!!
Game 1- Score- 1nil us (I think) vs Canna Mind
Started like a team possessed and a great finish fae Marble Man from a corner settled us early, quick corner caught them napping and bang one nil. Game completely controlled by the Oldest Man Alive and Sex Demon in his own shower Satchmo, Nuff said off to a flyer!
Game Highlight- Somebdy shouting back to Marv from the pitch 'at's a shite shout ya muppet'
Game 2- Score 2-1 us vs One o the Indian Teams
Beavis Mackie played a blinder in this one, great couple o goals and credit to him for a power of work. Passion, fight determination, and some great fitba all over the park from Elite, Top marks to all from front to back. Their goal was a screamer on the final whistle...but we still won so fa cares.
Game Highlight- Beavis goals...two of them aswell!!
Game 3- Chopstix vs A Massive Dolph Lundgren lookalike- Beat 1-0
Started well enough as a five a side team, although did go down by a sneaky goal from the aggressive cnuts, with this being a battle and the tackles flying and Daisy nae stripped as he would have liked to be, he had nae option but to throw on a miniature Bobby Ball to try and kick a few shins, the following 13seconds flashed by and bang a rash tackle a we caffufle and both teams doon to 4, (sure more mini reports to follow, I ken the chairmans dying to write aboot this). Apologies to all for the stupidity lads, rush off blood from you're mini reporter cost us the game here.
Down to 4v4 we battered them but just could'nt stick it past the keeper.
Game Highlight- a very short man vs a man bigger than Grifter and Beetlejuice put the gither!!! Proper Highlight- Bubbles Mcstay, superb from first to last minute, the boys a keeper lads and we even played him in goals this wik!!
Game Four- Won about a hundred nil vs The Poonani Boys
Think the final score was 3 nil but as in game one the Elite showed what they can be all about, with fun and possession the team motto, this was a joy to watch, the passing and movement from Night n Day and Marbler was superb, cool heads at the back and basically we humped them.
Highlights- Night n Day and Marbler for the first goal, brilliant movement, Bubbles Mcstay the boys a keeper I tell ye (nice one Y man great find) and top highlight, Ryan The CANNONBALL Mckay!!!! Hahahahah brilliant, Now some folk can hit a ba and some folk can knock a peer wee Indian Boy into next Monday...guess fit one Ryan did, what a free kick and if anyone sees a peer wee Indian boy flying through mid air anytime this wik will these please return him to AL Rasheid School!!! Hahaha The Cannonball himself had a wee chuckle running back to defend efter that, take note lads The Cannonball wasnae jist happy almost killing wee Punjab but he even wanted to get back in position we a wee smile across his face, now that's dedication!!!!
Played 4, Won 3 Lost 1- Top of the League!!!
First there were The Busby Babes, then The Fergie/Beetlejuice Fledglings.... Now it's Grifters Gussets!!! He's the real Boss Hog!!!!
Hats aff to the new Coachio, we needed a hero to raise our spirits and he stepped in with his big size 14 and dressed like a sex kitten from a 80's tv show...Raise you're coffee cups Elite.... We have a new Messiah.....Griftario Duke take a bow!!!!!
Don't call me 'Bubbles' Mcstay- Immense from start to finish, shot stopping silky passing, there's a reason he says he's a keeper... It's cause feckin is!!!!!
Tinman- The words cool calm composed come to mind when I think of tinners, for those who noticed that's what he was fan two noisy midgets where chasing him we the cool box!!! Hahaha make sure you get Ice in it next wik!!!
Satchmo- Keane as mustard to get going last night and a joy to watch in that funny warm up thing. On the park cool as you like and never put a foot wrong, message to us all keep yersel fit by making love 3 times a day and we can all play 5's when we're 46!!!
Cannonball Mckay- Was solid as rock again last night, true what Daisy says, we're a better team when his knees hud oot!!!
Beavis Mackie- A fans favourite we his Torry Flicks and two cracking goals along the way, well done Beavis and even mare so saving up to pay me back the doh from 1998, me and Mini Ms Chopstix are having a Chinese to celebrate the night!
Chopstix- One assist and a sending aff, sorry aboot the red mist boys and a vast improvement required in weeks ahead, still dance of Champion 09 and was only kidding aboot my uncle getting in ma bed!!!
Marble Man and Night N Day- What more can be said aboot this pair, they were on fire the whole night, they were like two terrors the whole night like two brothers up to mischief with a glint in there eyes!! full o energy full oh running and some silky passing along the way, great effort from this pair and a joy to watch. Although we were a little worried about the Marbler before the Game so the Chairman asked me to gie him a bell, phoned and asked him fit time he'd be there etc etc, went on for 5 or so minutes and came aff the phone to chairmans asking me, 'well fit's he saying'?? I replied I hivnae got a clue cause I canna understand the cnut but I think he's coming!!!!
Hancock, Chairman, Shando, Beetle juice G, Fairmer and for most of game 3 Chopstix!
Onwards we go lads and lets get behind the team next week for the final chapter of Elite Of Hazzard....Yeeehah!!!!
Over and out Rosco P Coltrane Pole position Number 5 for a shot ay Mel !!!!!
Love you Grifter