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Northern Express
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Pwoud, vewy, vewy pwoud

Right lads, this is my first ever match report so slag away once you have gone through it.


I would like to start off again this week by thanking everyone who turned up last night, especially the ones that were on time (i.e. 15 mins before KO). No.9 needs to maybe ask Sunty for a new watch as the one he has obviously disna work properly. You could maybe change it for those bloody awful shorts you had on last night. Jeez min.

Anyway on to the games.

First week round of games again in Division 2 for the Elite.


We started off like a train in our first game against Stevie Summers’ Seven Wonders. Y Cardy made a comeback to the team and was rewarded with a starting spot even though he didn’t look totally 100% fit (will he ever look 100% fit though?). He repaid the managers faith by having two spectacular attempts in the first couple of seconds that whistled past the post and over the bar respectively.

SW didn’t know what was hitting them as the Elite attacked with wave after wave of pressure. Beavis was put clean through one on one with the keeper by a great through ball from Sid, only for his Darren Mackie esq first touch to let him down and the ball ran into the keepers arms.

Y Cardy was getting involved in just about everything, including almost taking out one of the SW players as they were bearing through on goal. The guy got up and half heartedly attempted to square up but I think he then realized who he was messing with and walked away mouthing off to the ref. Either that or he spotted Glen on the touchline and decided it was better that he kept walking.

SW had their moments too though when Stevie Summers warmed the hands or should I say legs of Hancock with a reasonable effort that was well blocked by the keeper. Sid then had a late attempt that again was well taken by their keeper and the final whistle then blew.

Final Score 0-0, first points of the night to the Elite.


We then had a break as we watched the other games around us. Mad Vald reckoned the Danes were the team to watch out for. I was busy looking on my trainspotting guide to see if I could see what the name of the Danes were and where they were in the league, so I asked without looking up, “Which team are the Danes?”. Apparently Mad Vlad thought this was hysterical as he pointed and said “The ones playing in Danish strips you arse”. I think even being there didn’t seem too funny, but Mad Vald seemed almost in tears.

Anyway, in the other games that were being played, Seven Wonders recovered from their 0-0 mauling at the hands of the Elite to beat Dubai Wanderers 1-0. Contrary to popular belief, it wisna Stevie Summers who scored. It was the guy with the upside doon heid (hair on his chin only). The other game ended goalless.


Second game of the night for the Elite and we were up against Showtime. They had just been relegated from the 1st Division and were obviously out to prove a point. What they didn’t bank on was a certain Keith Park being given a starring role in Midfield by the manager. It was very reminiscent of the role Dougie Bell Played against Waterschei back in 83. Chesney also made a return to the team after a long absence.

The match was very tight in the initial stages and Hancock again produced another fine save early on to keep the scores level. A great run up the wing by Y Cardy ended in Chopstix turning his man on the edge of the box and firing in his first goal of the night past their helpless keeper.

The crowd on the sidelines went wild and it looked as if the police dragged away a couple of lads that had tried to scale the fence to get into the away fans.

Things had barely settled down when Sid then had a great pass collected by Chopstix who again sent a great shot past the keeper for the Elite to go 2 up. Again the crowd went mental with a few shouts of “Who Are Ye?” ringing around the pitch. The football on show was an absolute joy to watch and Chopstix managed to blaze his hat trick chance over the bar after a superb through ball from Y Cardy. Chopstix got an absolute mouthful from Y Cardy who looked like it was going to be the last thing he said as he was breathing heavily through his arse at this point.

Chopstix came off to rapturous applause from the sidelines after a great performance and was replaced by Grifter who got straight into Showtime’s tired defenders and never gave them a minutes peace.

Final Whistle blew and the game ended 2-0 to the Elite.


Straight into the third game against Dubai Wanderers who had just been promoted from Division 3.

The team spirit was obviously through the roof with the Elite as we started this game the exact same way we had ended the previous two.

Sid again came very close early on with a shot that flew past the keepers post.

The game was quite even with the Elite obviously tiring a little. DW then ended up with a corner from nothing. Hancock who had very little to do up to this point was organizing his defence. Colin obviously thought he had enough time to also organize the crowd as well and started showing the guys on the touchline how to do the Mexican wave. At the very time he threw his hands in the air, the ball came across and touched his finger tips and dropped to the unmarked DW player behind him to tap the ball into the empty net. This was the first goal that the Elite had conceded all night and it obviously knocked us down a little.

A couple of free kicks from DW failed to do anything other than keep Hancock on his toes, as he saved brilliantly from both.

We recovered though and pressed for an equalizer. We surged forward leaving a dominant Chopper on his own at the back. Y Cardy appeared to have gotten a second wind and played a great ball across the edge of the box to Beavis who turned the defender and fired a great shot through the legs of their keeper to level the score.

Game ended without any further incident.

Final Score 1-1 yet another point to the elite.


Last game of the night was against the Danes (Fa are they again?).

The lads started as they had been playing all night and put the Danes under immediate pressure. Sid again had two excellent chances to open the scoring which both went past the post. We were pressing the Danes back giving them very little time on the ball. Y Cardy then was fouled in the middle of the park but the ref waved play on.

Y Cardy launched a blistering attack on the ref who I thought was going to shit himself on the spot. The game raged on from one end to the other with both sides having chances.

Chopstix, the hero from game 2, then cracked a shot off the post. I had to say this as he actually missed it hitting the post, he had already wheeled around and was celebrating it hitting the net as the rebound flew past him…….


The game ended 0-0 and yet another point for the elite was in the bag.


Overall an absolutely superb night for the elite, 3 goals scored and only one conceded. 5 points collected. Absolutely delighted. With a little bit more luck, we might have had another win at the end if we hadn’t hit the post, but don’t want to sound greedy.


Hancock, Y Cardy, Grifter, Sid, Chopstix, Beavis, Chopper and Chesney all played absolute starring roles and showed excellent team spirit. The abuse from the touchline was as good as it has ever been, especially coming from Big Glen, Mad Vlad and No.9. Cheers for turning up lads to support the team.


So that was my first ever match report. Hope nobody fell asleep half way through it. My tin hat is on and ready…………





The Fairmer (nae Farmer FFS!)

Posted by dubainefc at 11:05 AM

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